In the first place..

I'm not giving up.
I'm just not holding out for something that isn't going to happen. Why would I sit around waiting and hoping that he'll look my way when he's obviously too busy still thinking about his past and what he "lost"... sorry, but I'm something to gain. As well as, I'm not going to count my chickens before they hatch. Meaning- I'm not going to sit and listen to a girl go on and on about her brother and how perfect we are for each other when I've never even met the guy.
In a perfect world, a cinematic world... those are all perfect story lines for a new chick flick or a romantic comedy.. but it isn't real life. Set-ups, don't work out. Blind dates are more traumatic than beneficial, and pining is called desperate.
That's it people- I'm your breath of fresh bitterness and reality when it comes to anything "romantic"... at least... media birthed. It's painful to think... that some people (including myself) may never have that 'happy ending' that we've been told we'll have. But at the same time... it's freeing. People wonder why I don't always do my makeup or always do my hair.. because that's not real. Underneath- I'm not a even toned, flawless, bone straightened, frizz free, maximum shine person. I have break outs, my hair is a HOT mess when I don't dry it right, and my eyes aren't perfectly lined with a naturally complimenting tone to my eyes.
It gets really frustrating when people don't see that. When they expect to you hold up to this charade just to please... what?! the false eye?!?!
If someone is going to 'love' me, if a man thinks he's worth it... it will be when my hair isn't washed, I'm in my forge pants, and I just ate dinner... because yes... WOMAN DO EAT!
I am me.
no one else.
nothing more.
Just a girl, getting through life, learning the ropes, and feeling the hurt along the way. I'm not trying to do anything more than live. And that's what I'll do. Regardless of what people say, do, think, or try to impress upon me and even... who they are. Change is good, but not conformity. I don't dig it.

I'm at a loss

I really don't know what to do. Someone whom I once thought was a best friend is sneaking behind my back. I thought I was learning trust but apparently, I was wrong. It's sad, frustrating, and so infuriating. To be "women of God" isn't to gossip... backstab... lie... it's so hurtful. It proves over and over that people can't be trusted. Even those that call themselves friends. Ugh. I'm 22, I shouldn't have this stupid drama.

Every guy I think is is, or like... "I'm not looking for a relationship right now." "I'm focusing on school right now." Is it God trying to tell me something? Or are they just the wrong guys? I'm trying. I'm slowly giving up. It's just hard. After 8 years, it starts to wear on you. ugh...

the importance of feeling loved...

I know i'm loved by God, I know i'm loved by family, and i know my friends do- at least some of them. but it's been about 8 years since the last time someone said it, and i felt it. I never understood the power of that word. It can make a person feel affirmed in who they are. Make them want to be the best they can be. Give them the sense of belonging they can't get anywhere else. Try living without it once you've had it. It's hard.
I'm left questioning myself, doubting every thought, every move. I act irrationally, think emotionally. I want it again. I hate feeling unappreciated. especially unloved.
it's as if I do everything, all the appreciating and affirming. Maybe thats why people keep me around.
a plant can only produce so much fruit without being watered and nurtured. Soon, this dying plant won't be able to give anymore because it's all been taken.

that's all i have...

coffee pressed stress

i just loooove feeling excluded.
it's partly due to my own actions, I guess. but.... walking out of my room, down the hall into someone elses room and SHUTTING THE DOOR... alittle much for my taste. Closing both bathroom doors and inviting everyone in your room... again, not my taste. Oh, and I love being ignored. saying hi to everyone, asking about everyones weekend... OH! and LIED to! now THAT'S a good one!

Ugh, it's been really stressful lately. papers, presentations.... cousins. I guess I thought that word meant something. I'm not mad, at all- which is kinda weird. I'm just.... beyond hurt. I want to cry every time I think of the situation. I'm just SO unbelievably hurt, beyond words. I've been lied to before but not so blatant. I suppose it was meant to happen then... not being friends with my cousin.

Today is Nathaniel Drew's birthday :) my bestest friend in the whole widest of worlds without a shadow of a doubt. But, I'm not texting him until 11:59 tonight. hehehe... yeah right. I say that but I know that I won't follow through with it. *sigh*... he got me a french coffee press for my birthday :D... so unbelievably UNnecessary but I'm so unbelievably grateful. I can't wait to make my first cup of pressed coffee!! :) Now I feel alittle bad that all I got him was a gift card and a thermos :( I tried finding something else!! nothing was good enough :( I suck as a friend haha although... it's a really nice thermos if I do say so myself. His coffee was STEAMING hot after a few HOURS!!! but still, nothing tops a coffee press. He won't have to get me anything for my birthday or Christmas so long as we're both friends BECAUSE OF the coffee press. that's how much I love it. :) okay, now that I'm done gushing about my banging new press :D hehe

Last night on the way back to school with Meridyth we were listening to Michael Gungor's song Prodigal. WOW... I've always loved that song but once you REALLY listen to it.. WOW.... I wanted to cry SO bad because I realized so much in just 6 minutes and 6 seconds (the length of the song for those that may be confused). the first verse goes:
"I’ve tasted Your glory and I left it there.
Your poured out Your Spirit and I didn’t care.
Still you loved me

I’ve lived for myself with nobody to blame.
I took what You gave me and squandered Your grace.
Still You loved me."
... how true? I KNOW I'm not a perfect Christian, no one is. But "I left it there", "I didn't care" "I lived for myself" and "i took what you gave me and squandered your grace".... I'm guilty. I've been given SO much and yet I'm so unappreciative. the KING OF KINGS.... LORD OF LORD... the stinking SON OF GOD!!! loves me, died for me, and has given me GRACE for my mistakes.. GRACE!!! lets look up what grace is quick...the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. favor. we have FAVOR with God. it's freely given. He knows he's going to give it to us before we even ask for it!! It's like.... like it's a piece of candy just sitting on a table, in the open. If we stop... I don't know, kicking the dog and say we're sorry, we can have the piece of candy (kicking the dog is the sin, the piece of candy is grace, and the person we're saying we're sorry to is God for those we were confused). And regardless if we say we're sorry or stop kicking the dog, the piece of candy is STILL there. even if we flush the goldfish down the toilet. We can still have the piece of candy if we are truly sorry. AMAZING!!! I still don't quite understand it. How can kicking the dog and flushing the fish BOTH be forgivable?!?! I mean, obviously both seem permissible to us because they aren't TERRIBLE... but if kicking the dog was equivalent to not obeying the speed limit and flushing the fish was being a homosexual or cheating on your spouse... does it sound so permissible now? That's the part I don't understand. I know God forgives me for saying some of the things I say to or about people... but the things I've done in the past that I haven't forgiven MYSELF for yet... I can still have that piece of candy if I want. *sigh*... I just love Jesus so much....
okay, here's the whole song. I STRONGLY suggest you (whoever is reading) look up the song and listen to it. It's beautiful...

I’ve tasted Your glory and I left it there.
Your poured out Your Spirit and I didn’t care.
Still you loved me

I’ve lived for myself with nobody to blame.
I took what You gave me and squandered Your grace.
Still You loved me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.

I could live for the broken and share in their pain.
I could die like a martyr or live like a saint just to love You.
I could sing like the angels and gather Your praise:
Be blessed beyond measure and give it away just to love You.
Still nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.

My heart has been broken; I’ve laid out my shame.
Because of Your mercy,
All I can say is I love You.
So I’ll tell of Your story
I’ll carry Your name
I’ll live for Your glory Lord,
I’ll share in Your pain just to love You.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.

Nothing can separate us
Nothing can separate us
Not death or life
Or depth or height
Or unseen power
Now or ever!

liberal with a touch of reform and a smidgen of zippity pow!

I'm trying SO HARD to remain positive. but it's like I'm getting hit from all sides. And every side is pressuring me to just pop off on everyone. I can feel my heart hardening. I can sense my rude, sarcastic tone. The good news is... me and God are in communication, he's pouring into me, he's stretching me. When something happens, when a situation arises, he's the first person I go to. Then my mom. But he is my filter. And he's definitely growing me. But... people make it hard. Especially people that used to go to you for advice. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about change- growing- moving... all that. But not when they are changing for the worse. How do you tell someone this? "hey, you're changing into a horrible person that no one can stand to be around-mind doing something about that?" false.. you can't say that. Especially when people are encouraging them. The bad thing is, it's not GOOD encouragement. I want to say something, I want to step in.. but i can't. They're an "adult", away from home, "mature". UGH!

School, on the other hand, is amazing. I love all my classes this semester. I almost don't want it to end. But then again, NEXT semester wouldn't happen :). so much going to happen come January. Good and Bad. Mostly good... but some bad. I'm nervous about some people joining our campus. I don't know what the transitions will mean or what will happen... but all I can do is see what will happen. But I don't want to... I hate some of these changes. I want my friends. That's all. They're all changing... UGH! see, I try to change the subject but it all comes back to the same thing. CHANGE.

My birthday is in 3 days. I'm not too excited. It's just another year older, another higher number. Plus, this weekend I have to work, my grandparents are having their 50th wedding anniversary, light the night, and working again. I have no time to be with my family, which is the only fun thing about my birthday. I hate Sheetz.

That's my life, boring, horrid, and anxious. Maybe I should have another cup of coffee...

honey bunches of oats.

i just kinda want to slam my head in a door over and over.

maybe then everything will stop spinning and i can focus on something else.

Driving down the back roads only traveling 30 miles an hour. Enjoying the cool evening, hearing the creatures of the night. I couldn't help but reflect.
It'd been long, tiring, draining day. I was forced to prioritize, forced to reevaluate, and forced to be transparent. I realized something about myself in the midst of all of it. I'm not as strong as I thought. I'm also not as extroverted as I thought. I would prefer to live a life in exclusion. I would rather keep to myself, stay in, just do what I need to do to get by. Unfortunately, that's not what being a christian is about, that's not what being a disciple is about.
I'm trying. I'm pushing myself. I'm really trying to learn and grow in Christ to be who I'm meant to be.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. Maybe that's all I needed to say.
But I do know that I need my best friend with me. He can't be here right now, which hurts a little. But I know he would be if he could. It just sucks when the people closest to you can't be so close when you need them most.

I'm blessed beyond comprehension.
my friends
my family
... everything...
it's more than I deserve!! and the only think I can do, is better myself to BE deserving.

Thank you Lord. For reminding me of how gracious and loving you are.

like it. love it. need it.

So much is happening around me. So many people are confused, hurt, upset, alone, feeling rejected and yet I'm supposed to be finding contentment? I'm supposed to be working and finding myself?! Why do that? Why watch everyone else go through life continuously getting hurt and say "well, God has a reason" yet expect my problems to be fixed? Sometimes I feel so guilty in asking for the things I need when everyone deserves them so much quicker. And why do the people who don't deserve the answers, get them? And why do the ones who on faithful again and again and believe and trust.... are put through the trials?

I'm so tired. Emotionally and physically. I love talking to people, listening to their problems, trying to help them, all that. It just gets heavy sometimes. Especially when I have to deal with my own stuff. That's almost what it feels like. Like, there are people that talk to me about their burdens and struggles and I take them, talk them out, pray for them, all that stuff. But there isn't anyone that I can do that with. Now, I do talk to people. Don't get me wrong, I do have best friends that I share things with. But...I feel like I either can't share everything or I get jipped with answers like, "well, God knows what he's doing"...........really? that's the best I get? I give you two hours and I get "God knows what he's doing"? I KNOW HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING!!! *huff* It's hard for me though, talk to people about all my problems. I don't want people to know, I don't feel like they should, want to, or care to. And if they say they care- they're faking it. Ugh. I have so many trust issues. I guess I need to work all these out before I become a counselor don't I?

I leave in 2 days. It's hard to believe that the summer has already ended. So much has happened yet nothing has. I feel different, look the same, and can't wait to keep moving.

I'm done. done with this entry, done with trying to push things along, done thinking things that weren't true, done hoping for the impossible, done worrying about the possibility, and done trying to find myself.

ta.

Holiness, holiness, is what I long for...

I JUST HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY!!!!
for starters:

I'm trying so hard to not be angry, hostile, resentful, and bitter. I'm trying REALLY hard.. but sometimes- you just want to yell at someone "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID?!" but I can't. It's not my place, it's not even my problem. But it is when it effects the people I love. I guess, the people that make me feel this way, are the people I need to stay away from. Even in conversation. I can't handle knowing someone has hurt someone else.... someone I care about. I want to fix it, I want to change it, and I want them to be hurt...maybe more physical than anything else. Which is wrong, totally wrong. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT!!! sometimes you just wanna punch someone in the face!! haha

School is only in a few days. It's so bittersweet. I have so much to do between packing/organizing, on top of working 8 hours everyday, on top of trying to connect with people before I leave. *huff*. But I can't lie, I kinda like the busy-ness of it. Keeps my mind going, stops it from thinking too much. Plus I've lost 9 pounds so that's not too shabby. But, after connecting with people, I don't want to leave... :( I want to stay here and KEEP connecting. I've finally gotten close to certain people, I've straightened out what has turned into a beautiful friendship, I'm FINALLY getting into my own at work, and I almost feel like I'm walking into this semester completely unprepared (spiritually). I know something is going to happen. Something life changing. I can feel it, sense it, smell it. It's like right before a storm. The sky gets dark, the air gets thick, the trees start to blow. Then it pours. I don't know if it's going to be a good pouring or a bad pouring... but it hasn't rained in awhile and I know that i know that i know....something is on the horizon.

Recently, in my past posts, I often refer to a friend that I've had "feelings" for (that were never mutual) for quite some time now (5 years now to be exact - almost to the day... but who's counting?). In those posts I continuously put myself out there..well, I'm past it :) I can say that in total contentment and peace. WHY i'm over it? No idea... but it's of God and I'm completely fine with that decision. I need this, this "me-time" with God. Just he and I. I've forgotten what it meant to rely on him [thanks becky :)] and now's better than ever!!

The best thing is... I know i'm not alone in these...........adventures :)

I can feel you, flowing through me...

I wish I could go back in time to when you cheated on me... so I wouldn't be so bitter.
I wish I could go back in time to when you said you'd make it feel better... so I could trust easier.
I wish I could go back in time to when you said you wanted a relationship... so I could be more sensitive.
I wish I could go back in time to when you pushed me away... so I could see the lie behind your eyes.
I wish I could go back in time to when you started complimenting me, spending more time with me, saying things in my ear, knowing what to do or say to make me listen to you... so I wouldn't hate myself so much.

But if it weren't for all the douche bags in my life... I wouldn't have grown as much as I have. I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't have these stories to share with other in my many situations. And I wouldn't have the friends that support me no matter what stupid decision I make.

I'm glad you cheated on me... now I know forgiveness.
I'm glad you couldn't keep a promise... now I know self-preservation.
I'm glad you wanted something more... now I know that I'm not ready.
I'm glad you pushed me away... now I know the players from the real men.
I'm glad you were such a fake, jerk, idiot, and low-life... now I know what I don't want.

:)

reaching the single digits.

I only have 12 days left of summer vacation. 9 of those 12 are spent at work. the other 3 are already full of things to do. Even the days i DO work, I'm still going to be very busy when I get off work with packing and getting things ready for school. I'd hate to leave my family but I'm so ready to get away from working at a place I hate and start back up with Nicole. I miss enjoying my job.

Things are going to be so different. I can just tell. This fall semester, things are going to be vastly different than they were last year, perhaps that's a good thing. We'll see I guess. But I'm excited to see what's going to happen. I have a feeling friendships will be altered and built, my relationship with God with thrive, and I'll finally find myself :)

I'm moving forward... I can already feel the steps being taken by my heart. I'm not doing it for anyone other than myself. It's not even to reach the outcome - it's for the now. It's so that I'm limiting myself or God in my life as well as restricting what I think I myself can do. Like I said...I think this is a good thing...

I don't know what to think anymore...

i can't just forget him. Even though I want to grow past this -it's so hard. But... all things are possible... so, we'll see. This is for me. not him. i just need this change...

i miss my best friends, i miss my dorm room, i miss campus, i miss the job i love, i miss knowing my best friends are so close to me. i hate these last couples days of summer...the waiting. especially having to be at a job that i hate so much. I hate thinking about going there everyday and i DRED having to come home just to torture myself THERE. I'm praying starbucks works out. I need something other than doing it only for the money. Since when does 9.25 an hour mean i have to be miserable? UUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

jauglkjbfGLFJRNOGIJNOSJGJRPGSKJPRGIJANOGRJMO;WEIRJ

....thats what i think about that...

done. sooo done.

yup. i'm done. 4 years? screw it. I'm done. its a waste of time. there is... no point.
i'm only hurting myself because it's OBVIOUSLY one-sided and you yourself said it has to be mutual. which it obviously isn't. After seeing the girls you date and the ones you call "hot"... i OBVIOUSLY don't fit. And apparently i'm not good enough so- I'm saving myself the rest of my life and I'm done. Date who want, do what you want with your life because I'll be doing the same.

I can't change things, I can't force you and I don't want to. It'd hurt more to have someone that doesn't even want to be there. So, I'm saving myself ALL the hurt and taking myself out of the equation completely. Best friends are supposed to be able to tell each other everything and know the other person so well that they can read their thoughts without even looking at them but I can't tell you the biggest part of my life and i feel like I don't even know you.

since I'm done.....

what you're lookin for has been here the whole time...

I'm growing so tired. My arms are becoming heavy and my shoulders are falling. My knees are shaking and I don't think my heart can take the rest.

There are times when I feel like a complete idiot about how I feel. And there are even times when my feelings are completely justified. But what makes everything worse is that you don't know. I need to talk it out with you, I need to know your stance, your thoughts, whether or not you'll hate me forever. But I've been put in this pain for 4 years, can't you suffer through an hour or two of talking?! No...and I don't blame you either.
I just...I have so many questions...what do you think? do you know? do you WANT to know? will things change? do you want them to change? have you never thought of me like that? will you ever? do you care? do you even understand? UGH!
It's hard to watch someone so close to your heart settle again and again and again when I've just been....sitting on the sidelines supporting them the entire time. It's like I cheering, "yeah! Go you and your new relationship that is slowly tearing me to pieces! WOO!" I think there comes a time when I need to stop cheering...stop coaching...maybe even leave the game so that I can be sure I'm not going to get hurt anymore.

He hurts me and doesn't know. He hurts me and yet...

I know what I need to do to grow. I have to get past my past bitterness so that I can move forward. And once I've moved forward I need to seek. And once I've become content in seeking and growing and learning... then God will mend my broken heart and wounded spirit.

After weeks of crying I thought I was over that... but, I guess I'm not.

If you would just open your eyes and put together the pieces.......UGH!

Under the boardwalk, down by the sea!

yes, i do have questions.
yes, there is something on my mind.
yes, there is a lot of stuff going on in my life.
can i tell you? no.
why not? because your the answer.

Chock-full of emotions...

I laugh to myself every I'm on facebook and I'm going to change my status. In the little box that you enter in, it says "what's on your mind?". Little does facebook know...

I have so much floating around up there. More than people know, more than anyone knows really. I'm an honest person and tell my best friends and family everything... but there are a few things that are just mine and Gods... things that, I don't want to know what other people think. Things that, it's confusing enough hearing my own thoughts, so I'll spare myself yours. I think everyone has those things that they keep to themselves. And to be completely honest, I think everyone lies when they say they tell someone "everything". As a human being, it's our nature to want to either remain private or know that we know something no one else knows. And, this may come as a surprise to most people who know me... but I'm a fairly private person. Now, don't take that out of context... yes, I have my best friends that I tell almost everything and I'm a very open person with my family...but when it comes to other people -they don't need to know everything. Not only do they not need to know it, but I don't want them to. Like facebook, everyone puts all there information up there for the entire world to search out and read up on. The relationship status' and school information to be exact. Just by taking 5 minutes to read over someone's facebook, I've learned if their single, gay, religious, political, where they live, how to reach them via cell or email, where they go to school, where at school they live, and who their best friends are... if that's not intrusive then I don't know what is. Seriously, there should be peeping tom laws. But all this to say... IF my relationship status ever changes - you'll never know unless your someone I care about... and where I live, you'll get the change of address card.. if we're close enough. Why are people so eager to be open with people they don't even know?!

tonight, I realized a lot of things...i need to stop doubting people, especially ones I care about. I feel gross thinking back on how I doubt my friendships thinking that I'm the only one that is in it. When we're hanging out - it's because we BOTH wanted to, not because I asked and they had nothing better to do. I also need to stop doubting the peace of God. Not quite sure how THAT one snuck up on me - but it has. I just need to keep reaffirming myself day in and day out.

UGH! I just have so much i want to just scream out and just SAY.... but online is NOT the place to say it!!
.......screw online....
********
I was really hurt by what you did. I felt like I was set up for being heartbroken and I had no warning. and it's not fair that I was led on for 7 months, thinking everything was great and progressing when *SLAM*... there was nothing to progress to begin with. I'm not trying to sound like I think I'm some amazing person that is a prize to be won, but I AM saying I'm a person with feelings and an actual heart inside that empty tank and it was crushed because of your actions. Or should I say lack there of? And when you say "but lets still be friends", mean it. and if you don't mean it - don't say it. Plan and simple. I don't want some bullcrap answer about someone else living 3 hours away with a boyfriend. You don't have to like me, that's okay!! It's been awhile since I've dated (if THAT'S what you want to call it) so this was my first time really letting my heart get involved. I swear off dating and guys for a reason. I set my standards for a reason. I have these ideas about "love" and "relationships" for reason.....because if you dont, you get hurt. And thats what you did to me. You made me trust you....my guard was down, my heart was open, and you spit in it's face. You made me a person for 7 months that I never wanted to be. I've only ever cried over 2 guys and you made yourself number 3. WE FIT! IT WORKED! and you junked it.... all of it. So from here on out - I'm over it.
********
I wish you knew what you mean to me. I just wish that I could tell you everything I'm thinking and feeling and know you're not overwhelmed or freaked out. But most of all, I wish that it wouldn't mean I would lose you. I hate that my feelings are in constant limbo because of our friendship. Seeing you unhappy...tears me up. And seeing you settle- hurts even worse. Will you honestly think of every other possible person on this earth before me? Am I that repulsive? Can you really not stand me that much? I know we're close and I love our friendship, I adore it. but sometimes.... being your friend is so hard. You are the ONE person I can, and will always, trust 100%. You are the ONE person who I have always been the most honest with. And yet... you're the one that hurts me the most. I'll settle with being just your friend.... but I won't be happy with it.
********

nothing witty... just me.

Not complaining, just STATING that the process of WAITING.. is agonizing. I'm trying SO HARD!! I don't think about it near as much. I certainly don't voice it unless I'm joking around [[that being saying I need a boyfriend after seeing an old man walk by or someone that obviously doesn't shower]]. But regardless... I AM still trying. But for some reason, so MYSTERY, I can't get this twisting out of my stomach that waiting is in fact settling. That, me sitting around waiting for it to happen to me is IN FACT detrimental. Like... when your making cookies [[i'm not fat]] and they 5 minutes left on the timer as well as a cooling down time after they're out. But you want one SOO bad. Once their out, cooled, and have the perfect golden brown outside with the gooey, chewy, yummy inside... you go to reach for one... and someone slaps your hand. Hard, aggressive, and it stings! They look at you, right in the eye, and say "no! didn't you know their better the longer you let them sit?!". So you comply. The cookies sit there... the steam goes away, they aren't quite as fluffy looking, and the center isn't quite as gooey looking. So, before they go completely bad you reach for one. You're fingers are within an inch... *SLAP*... yet again you're told to wait just alittle longer. Seriously, after you've waited the RIGHT amount of time, it'll be the BEST cookie you've EVER had. So you sit there.... in front of the cookies watching everyone else pawing them, taking them, eating them, enjoying THEIR cookie. You're forced to sit there, salivating, watching everyone else take one, sometimes two. I'm sitting there, watching everyone else get cookies and I'm left with my nose smooshed against the glass window of the bakery wondering "how come they get to enjoy their cookies and all i have is a welt on my hand?"
relationships are the cookies, my hand is my heart. I'm welted, just wanting what everyone else around me has. But I'm constantly told to wait. wait. wait. wait. Once I have one, it'll be worth it. What if, once I have my "cookie", it's hard, crumbly, old, and cold. Why is my face the only one leaving a mark on the glass window? Why am I the only one having to wait? Am I listening to other people more than I'm listening to God? Has the answer been in front of me the whole time and I just didn't see it because I've been asking the wrong baker. No longer. I'm done listening to the sous chef... my ears are focused on the executive chef.
I got inspired by this while watching Gilmore Girls [[suprised? i think not]] Luke and Lorelai, in the 5th season, finally started dating. They were really good friends, saw each other everyday, knew each other better than they knew themselves, and were finally happy together. In one episode Luke says to Lorelai, "it only took us 8 years to get here". It's a running joke between me and my best friend Mer that I'm Lorelai. Well... where's my Luke? Where's the one person that will know me better than I know myself. And is it going to take 8 years? *humph*
I suppose.... i can wait alittle while longer. My hand can take it...

Who can take the sunrise, sprinkle it with dew? The candyman can!

sometimes things don't go the way we plan. but the only thing we can do is adjust. If the solution is that simple, why is it so difficult to execute? That's my prayer lately - adjustment.

Roll out those hazy, lazy, crazy days of summer

sometimes life is just sad.
just.
plain.
sad.

You're a Real Tough Cookie With a Long History

Recently, I don't know what's gotten into me.
I make my bed, put away my clothes, moisturize. I've been biting my tongue [or my fingers- if you will] more often, I'm actually trying. And most of all.. I can feel it. From the inside moving it's way out. Like a ... detox. Rather nice actually. Maybe it's all the water I've been drinking or perhaps my bedroom renovation. Clearing out the clutter and moving towards being a minimalist. Whatever the reason, I like it. I feel calm, peaceful...
One thing I've really been working on is rebuilding the bridges I've burnt. They may not be a complete pile of rubble but they are charred and thankfully.. [hopefully] ..salvageable. There are people I stopped talking to the day we graduated, others whom I tried keeping in touch with, and others yet who didn't go with the plan God intended for them. It's not my place to judge what a person decides to do with their life but still I did. True, it's sad they didn't follow God's will but who knows! Maybe God has something in store for them that's much greater than I expect for myself.
Trying to build up old relationships may not be a huge step or a major change... but it's something. I'd much rather leave this Earth knowing I've done my best to be the best possible version of myself that I can be rather than be disappointed knowing I didn't try.
********
I have this friend. He means the world to me. He is, seriously, the best thing to ever obnoxiously pop into my life. Though he's younger than me [:D].. he's my big brother. I know that at the end of the day it doesn't matter if he hasn't texted me or I haven't heard from him. It doesn't matter that I'm not constantly making my presence known to him where ever we may be... I know he's got my back. He'll protect me from any gross, crude, moroccan [;)] that do nothing but hurt me. And he knows I'll do just the same for him. It's a beautiful friendship we've built... :) There have been rifts, there have been complications. And they did momentarily complicate things... but... a friend is a friend for life. No Matter What. He's got my back, I've got his. Bottom line. That's it. End of Story. And with THAT being it, I couldn't be happier with our friendship being any other way :)
********
We're not the exception, we're the rule.
I'm always the rule. I've dated the "Ben's". I've been with the "Neil's". I even know my fair share of "Conor's".. but where's my "Alex"? I've been the heart-broken, I've been the pawn, and I've been the heart-breaker, but for goodness sakes.... when am I going to be someone's Gigi?! It's depressing watching your best friend of 13 years show off her engagement ring when she's 3 years younger than you and has only been dating her now fiance for about a year. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely THRILLED for her!! It's amazing to see her in love and it's exciting to be a part of the process. But when is it my turn? I don't want to be the girl from 27 Dresses. But I don't want to be The Boelyn Girl either. "He's out there" I KNOW! ugh. I'm sick of being told that... Apparently, I'm supposed to wait... sooo... WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING A MOVE - - MAKE IT!!!! *rant over*
********
peaceful. calm. serene.

These are a few of my favorite things

I'm laying here in bed watching Gilmore Girls, in the dark, with my fan blowing on me. It's how I fall asleep at night and it's how I relax. Odd, isn't it? One- I usually end up getting a cold in the morning because I'm so hot throughout the day and then the ice cold air... equals the sniffles in the morning. Also, Gilmore Girls is such a high paced, fast-talking show some people find it stressful or liberating.. well, I've seen all the seasons so many times I could quote them all nearly word-for-word.
Right in the middle of one of Lorelai and Rory's big fights I hear one of these.. roars?.. rumbles? I honestly thought my dad was snoring and I could hear him. So I paused my show, turned on my lamp, turned off my fan and heard it... thunder :).
I love thunderstorms. I don't know what it is about them but I love hearing it, seeing it... and smelling it. But for some reason this particular storm made me think.
Sometimes I take things for granted. Lots of things. And I don't live to the fullest. I don't stop and smell the flowers. And I surely don't appreciate the flowers. Nor the maker of those flowers. Earlier today I was thinking about church. I don't worship enough. Now, I understand that people worship different ways but raising my hands, singing out loud (though it suuuucks), and even just clapping.. that's how I worship. And I miss it, I miss it so much. It's like when all you do is eat and have no drink to accompany it. Yet, you're not hungry... but something's missing and it totally throws everything off.

Thank you Lord for this storm...this wake up call. It was for me :)

I'm goin' off the rails of the crazy train

Now, more than ever... my family needs guidance and faith. Sometimes things get so rough we lose focus of who is truly holding us and all situations in His hands. He knows... He'll provide... He remains...

********

It's odd.. finding such....... contentment?... amidst such rubble. It's like sitting on a huge pile or rocks, stones, and trash yet feeling comfortable. It's amazing and at the same time, hard not to feel guilty. I shouldn't feel like this. I shouldn't be happy when my family is suffering. I shouldn't be okay knowing someone else knows my future and that's all I can depend on. Or should I? Perhaps I'm the only one that sees it, perhaps I'm the one that knows the least. But with the faith of a mustard seed....

********

I cannot thank God enough for what he's given me. I have the best parents in the world. Though times are rough and things are uncertain... they would give up anything for their children. I can securely say, without a shadow of a doubt, that we are first. We are above them on their priority list. It sickens me to think I take advantage of that and it saddens me to know they don't just think of themselves sometimes. But it's comforting to know such love. My sister - she's my best friend. Words can't describe the blessing she is. That's all I can say. And I seriously have the greatest little brother ever. He's only 14 and probably has a stronger relationship with God than I do. It's amazing to see God working through him and touching peoples lives, touching my life. My brother-in-law loves my sister unconditionally and takes care of her and that's all I can ask for. Sometimes I wish he and I had a better relationship, but the one we have is still growing. Alysa Jade is the best niece anyone could ask for. It's cliche to have an aunt say that but seriously, she's the most amazing little girl ever. She's only 7 months and can comfort anyone and heal any broken heart...

********

"My friends are better than your friends"... mine are indeed. Meridyth freaking Lanza is probably the best friend I could have ever.... EVER asked for. Through thick and thicker, she's been there. She lived HOURS away... and was still closer than anyone else. Not only does she live closer, but we share a bathroom. She's an amazing person and pushes me constantly (without even knowing it) to be a better person. In the short 9 months we've lived together, I've learned so much about myself and other people that I'm not sure I want to live the NEXT 9 months with her. ;) (jk jk). She's taught me about true integrity and real honesty... I love her to death. (<

********

And to the ones I haven't even met yet... I pray for constantly. I'm anxious to be at that point in my life where these people are involved, but I'm not rushing it. Taking my stride at a time and loving the process is something I'm constantly learning. Instead of loving the rush of air through my hair, I'm learning to love the slow squish of the earth beneath my feet. (which is ironic because I hate being barefoot outside). 

********

*ahhhh :)

Roses are red. Violets are blue.

It's really easy to be bitter or become resentful. But it's so much more rewarding to be happy and excited. Yes... my best friend is engaged :) She's so young, but I'm so happy for her. I never thought she'd be getting married this young, but she's happy and he's the one, why wait? I'm so happy that her and I stayed close and that I'm apart of this. It's an exciting event in someone's life and I'm apart of my best friends big event :)

********

Seeing guys in a relationship, is endearing. Seeing a guy want to be with a girl, want to be near her, hug her, hold her, kiss her. It's cute. You usually think of guys are strong, independent, and such. But when a guy falls in love, they totally change. It's adorable!

********

Sometimes there are things in life that you wish would just happen already but you can't control them. It's times like this I typically fall apart because I don't have control of the situation and I can't see the future. When I'm traveling somewhere, I like to know at least 2 steps ahead so I can prepare myself. But when you can't see the next few steps ahead and you aren't allowed to use a GPS or Mapquest, you have to rely on your "heavenly" navigation system to direct you... which gets hard and frustrating :( But, thankfully my navigator is patient with me :)

********

I need guidance. It's hard to not look back and wonder "...if things were different?" It's especially hard to not think about it and dream of how things COULD be. But, I have to stop longing for the past. UGH! lots of work ahead of me.

Lord prepare me. To be a Sanctuary.

I want to cry. Everyday gets so hard to face. I know there's something out there, but it's hard to face each moment not knowing what's going to happen next. And I don't want to be the girl that whines and complains about because she's not happy with where she is in life. I want to be the girl that is happy and content and just flowing. It's even harder when  I'm surrounded by people that are where I want to be. I'm happy for my friends, I truly am. But I want to be happy. I hate going at every day with the view that it'll happen someday, there's someone out there for me, he'll be so worth it. It's depressing. I especially don't want pity. People don't know what I'm feeling or thinking. They don't care that I'm so miserable about where I am in life right now. They happy where they are so why give a rip that I'm not there? They can't relate. Yeah, sure they may have been single before - but they aren't now. and they weren't for as long as I have been. 

********

6 years. It's been 6 years. The last memory imbedded in my mind about a relationship was finding out over the phone that I was just cheated on. Is that how it's supposed to end for me? Am I SUPPOSED to walk around not trusting people for anything? I don't want to. I don't like it. It hurts being so defensive. It's tiring questioning everything. It would be so much easier to just believe what everyone says and trust that "love" is real or that I can fully trust one person with everything I have. But I can't. I keep holding onto my falsehood, my lies, my deception. IT'S NOT FAIR!! I don't want this!! I didn't ask for it!!

********

I just want this to be over. This period in my life. I want to move on... so badly...

If I've ever done something or thought something crazy - its usually just because I care. There are so many people, so many possibilities, and so many reasons not to entertain the idea, yet I can't help it because it sounds like a good thought. There are times I feel it'd be perfect, make sense... and other times where I think to myself, "would it even work though?" but if it makes sense - wouldn't that mean it'd work itself out? It's hard to let things go - it's hard to allow someone else control things that sometimes put themselves right in front of me. Is it God putting these opportunities in front of me or is it the devil putting false hope in my face? It's hard to distinguish and it's harder to resist. I'm finding that the more I screw up, the longer it's going to take until I get what I'm supposed to have. Will I stop fighting and surrender? or will I continue trying out my own options?

********

I sometimes find myself settling for happiness as opposed to waiting for complete contentment. Settling is sometimes natural, sometimes expected, and even sometimes something you have to do in order to reach a greater prize. But do I have to constantly settle over and over. Perhaps, I've mistaken settling for content. perhaps I've become content in settling. So, here's to pressing on.

********

mmm

I'm going, I'm staying. I'm bored, I'm content. I'm frustrated, It's his. So many things are changing around me and in me that I just don't know if I can withstand it all. I thought for sure I was going to be leaving Valley Forge. I thought I had a peace about leaving and never looking back. I was so sick of feeling stuck, feeling stagnant. And I was done trying. I was done looking. But God stepped in and eased it all. He has called me here for a purpose. I need to be here, to learn, to grow, and to become what he wants me to be. Instead of wanting to put my feet in different waters to see where I wanted to go, I need to let him lead me to the path I'm to take. Becoming frustrated with how things are turning out is pointless when He has it all mapped out. It's amazing to know that He has my life planned out - good and bad. He gives me a choice, tells me what to pick, and loves me still if I choose the wrong one. And He waits. He waits for me to realize what I've done is wrong... *ahh*... 

********

Be Thou My Vision

So much going on. Do I stay at school, do I leave? Do I register for classes or forget and think about community college? Do I make this meeting with Dr. Meyer or do I do what I thought I was supposed to do? I have to trust. I have to believe that God is behind all of this. And if he isn't, he'll let me know... I have to believe...

********

On a not-so-brighter-note, I'm sick of trusting people that just prove that I shouldn't trust them. It wasn't even a big deal or an issue and you had to go and make ME get involved? The people on this campus are a HUGE reason why I don't want to stay here. They walk around like they know who they are and who others are. UGH! God needs to give them a huge slap in a the face.

********

so done with this.

outty.

Jenn 2.0

Things are looking up and up. It's amazing how things work out, how God works. It's just... I can't comprehend. Amazing... ahh!! 

********

Ever since that *glorious* sunday night things have just been different. I'm not stressing as hard, I'm not as tense. I'm just trusting :) and it feels great to know that I don't have to worry about my future or where I'll be. I mean, yes I of course I'll have involvement but I'm not stressing like I used to.

********

 :)

God is so good, he's so good to me.

WOW... that's all I can say. God works in such beautiful ways. 

I didn't want to go to church and then he speaks to me that night. It was AMAZING!! (ask me about the story and I'll tell you) long story short, I'm totally resting within God's peace. The stress is off my shoulders and I'm no longer worrying about the future. I AM going where God is leading me and it's wonderful :)

********

My God is amazing!!!!

I don't care if its all the same day...

i accidently left my straightener on all day.. oops

********

I'm very much over the whole being single thing. I'm sick of seeing "happy" people walking around holding each others hands and talking like stinking babies to each other. But most of all, I'm sick of the coldness growing in my heart. I've been rejected a lot lately and it's really starting to show. One person can only take so much. I know, I've heard "then give it to God" and "there's someone out there"... I HAVE GIVEN IT TO GOD!!! I GIVE IT TO HIM EVERY DAY, EVERY TIME I SEE A COUPLE, I SURRENDER ONE MORE TIME!!!

It's hard for me to even think I deserve a relationship or anything though all at the same time. I don't have much to offer and I'm not the prettiest out there. And I'm certainly not the best person or even...

I'm not a good person at all. I'm awful to be around... no wonder...

********

So I guess I learned a lot about myself just now. I'm not in a relationship because I don't deserve and no one can tolerate me. At least I have my answers. 

Revelation

I'm standing up for myself. I'm not going to allow myself to be stepped on or walked all over. I'm tired of doing things for people and then being treated like complete crap. I don't do things to get something in return, I do them because I enjoy doing it. but would it be so much to ask to just be respected a little? If you ask someone to take you somewhere but then they never do so you come running to me to pick up their broken end of the deal, then I become their backup. I don't want to be the backup. I have my own life, my own things to do. I can't just be "on-call" for when they decide "oh, I don't feel like taking them - my back-up will take this one" no. I refuse. And when I'm doing YOU a favor, shouldn't you have to conform to my schedule? If I'm leaving at 11:30, i shouldn't have to wait until 4:00 when YOU can leave. Especially if you say "we can leave at 2:30" but aren't ready until 4:00. I'm done getting used.

Call me a jerk, say I'm rude - I don't care. If I'm going to be treated like crap when I do things for people, then I'm not going to do things for people.

********

That's all I have to say about that.

Moving on

If you know me, you know that I sometimes have control issues. But only to the extend that I want to know details. If I have to be somewhere, I need to know where, when, with who, how to get there, and the itinerary once I get there at least 4 days in advance. I like have my ducks lined up perfectly straight. Because, if they are in order then when something happens, I can hold everything intact. i... i... i... i... i... I'm giving up. I no longer care for details. Yes, I'll still need directions, but I'm not going to stress or worry anymore. I don't need to know the future, I don't need to know what's coming at me, I don't need to keep my ducks intact. I'm hereby passing control to God :) It's tiring and stressful and I can't do it. 

********

"It'll happen when you least expect it to". It's so true. Once I give up my baggage with the right intentions, everything will play out better than you ever expect them to. I think too much about not expecting it, which in turn, I expect it. So here's to caring enough to stay open, but not enough to get involved!

********

God has been doing so much in me lately (above). But also more than that. I know I'm close to God but not close like I used to be. I can taste my hunger for him and my throat is parched from our lack of communication. Last semester God led me to Ecclesiastes 3 "a time to be silent and a time to speak" and I completely misinterpreted what he was saying to me. I took "silence" too far and started silencing my relationship with him. Well, I'm back and I'm ready for my next season with Him :)

********

Contentment is a beautiful thing.

I dream in temperature

Close your eyes...

walking barefoot in the grass, feeling each individual blade on your feet, in between your toes. The cool grass, the loose dirt, hearing the birds and feeling a slight breeze. *ahh* 

sitting outside on the porch with a glass of lemonade  as the swing squeaks. Every once and awhile a neighborhood kid rides by on his bike with their dad following. *ahh*

I miss the summer :(

********

Waking up with the sun coming through the blinds can be annoying... but it's a promise. It's God's way of looking through my window and saying "Jenn, prepare for what I have in store!" It's amazing to know that there is someone looking out for me, taking each step before me to be sure the ground is sturdy. Sometimes, I like to think on nice days each breeze is for me. :)

********

I'm going home this weekend. I wasn't going to because *someone* told me I need to make the best of it. But when I got to thinking of it, why would I want to keep myself from a place that makes me happy? So, I'm going home. I miss my niece, I miss my family, I miss church. I wish we had preaching here like there is at St. Thomas. This campus could use some of that step-on-your-toes truth.

********

I'll leave you with this...

I painted my nails black and I kinda miss having white tips.

First time for everything

I have spent the last 4 days in tears. But oddly enough, its refreshing. I feel like it's almost renewing who I am over and over. I'm ridding myself of thoughts, feelings, hurts, and regrets in order to attain what's in my future. *ahh* future... it's so scary to think about, yet it's exciting. Not knowing what's going to happen, where you'll be, who will be there with you, and everything that will happen in between. 

I do find myself day dreaming about the future. What I'd like to see happen. Unfortunately most of it probably never will. Which is okay, I'm sure whatever is in store will be twenty times better.

********

Sometimes, I feel like I'm kidding myself. Like that one human video Audience of One used to do. I feel like I have so many masks that I wear. I really should get a whole separate dresser for them. I want to be me though, I want to be comfortable in who I am and walk in confidence. It's hard though. All my life I've been in everyones shadows. I've come to find comfort in my inadequacies and my incompetence. I know I play up being in the spot light and being the center of attention but really I would rather be the wall flower, observing, watching. Don't get me wrong, I love being seen and making people laugh. But, that's not who I am.

********

Lately I'm trying to face my fears, slowly. It's going to take awhile but, I'm doing it none the less. I have to stretch from my comfort and put myself out there. But not like what I had already said. I need to be vulnerable. I have so many walls around my heart and who I really am that I'm starting to lose sight of my very self. Like, when I picture my heart I see it in the highest of towers in a huge castle with bars on every window. But within the tower, it's sitting under a bullet proof, sealed case that can't be broken. All around the locked castle is a moat filled with hungry, angry alligators that have nothing but hate in their eyes. Then around the moat is a 20 foot wall with no doors or gates in it. Then past the wall are huge dragons. And my heart is in the center of it. 

********

God's moving in my life, I can feel it. He's slowly pulling out the weeds that are starting to grow over everything and he's definitely preparing me for something big to happen. It's terrifying, trusting so deeply in him. But it's completely satisfying too. I wouldn't rather trust anyone else. I can't trust anyone else. 

********

I leave with this...

my fish booger is the man :)