I know i'm loved by God, I know i'm loved by family, and i know my friends do- at least some of them. but it's been about 8 years since the last time someone said it, and i felt it. I never understood the power of that word. It can make a person feel affirmed in who they are. Make them want to be the best they can be. Give them the sense of belonging they can't get anywhere else. Try living without it once you've had it. It's hard.
I'm left questioning myself, doubting every thought, every move. I act irrationally, think emotionally. I want it again. I hate feeling unappreciated. especially unloved.
it's as if I do everything, all the appreciating and affirming. Maybe thats why people keep me around.
a plant can only produce so much fruit without being watered and nurtured. Soon, this dying plant won't be able to give anymore because it's all been taken.
that's all i have...
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
coffee pressed stress
i just loooove feeling excluded.
it's partly due to my own actions, I guess. but.... walking out of my room, down the hall into someone elses room and SHUTTING THE DOOR... alittle much for my taste. Closing both bathroom doors and inviting everyone in your room... again, not my taste. Oh, and I love being ignored. saying hi to everyone, asking about everyones weekend... OH! and LIED to! now THAT'S a good one!
Ugh, it's been really stressful lately. papers, presentations.... cousins. I guess I thought that word meant something. I'm not mad, at all- which is kinda weird. I'm just.... beyond hurt. I want to cry every time I think of the situation. I'm just SO unbelievably hurt, beyond words. I've been lied to before but not so blatant. I suppose it was meant to happen then... not being friends with my cousin.
Today is Nathaniel Drew's birthday :) my bestest friend in the whole widest of worlds without a shadow of a doubt. But, I'm not texting him until 11:59 tonight. hehehe... yeah right. I say that but I know that I won't follow through with it. *sigh*... he got me a french coffee press for my birthday :D... so unbelievably UNnecessary but I'm so unbelievably grateful. I can't wait to make my first cup of pressed coffee!! :) Now I feel alittle bad that all I got him was a gift card and a thermos :( I tried finding something else!! nothing was good enough :( I suck as a friend haha although... it's a really nice thermos if I do say so myself. His coffee was STEAMING hot after a few HOURS!!! but still, nothing tops a coffee press. He won't have to get me anything for my birthday or Christmas so long as we're both friends BECAUSE OF the coffee press. that's how much I love it. :) okay, now that I'm done gushing about my banging new press :D hehe
Last night on the way back to school with Meridyth we were listening to Michael Gungor's song Prodigal. WOW... I've always loved that song but once you REALLY listen to it.. WOW.... I wanted to cry SO bad because I realized so much in just 6 minutes and 6 seconds (the length of the song for those that may be confused). the first verse goes:
"I’ve tasted Your glory and I left it there.
Your poured out Your Spirit and I didn’t care.
Still you loved me
I’ve lived for myself with nobody to blame.
I took what You gave me and squandered Your grace.
Still You loved me."
... how true? I KNOW I'm not a perfect Christian, no one is. But "I left it there", "I didn't care" "I lived for myself" and "i took what you gave me and squandered your grace".... I'm guilty. I've been given SO much and yet I'm so unappreciative. the KING OF KINGS.... LORD OF LORD... the stinking SON OF GOD!!! loves me, died for me, and has given me GRACE for my mistakes.. GRACE!!! lets look up what grace is quick...the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. favor. we have FAVOR with God. it's freely given. He knows he's going to give it to us before we even ask for it!! It's like.... like it's a piece of candy just sitting on a table, in the open. If we stop... I don't know, kicking the dog and say we're sorry, we can have the piece of candy (kicking the dog is the sin, the piece of candy is grace, and the person we're saying we're sorry to is God for those we were confused). And regardless if we say we're sorry or stop kicking the dog, the piece of candy is STILL there. even if we flush the goldfish down the toilet. We can still have the piece of candy if we are truly sorry. AMAZING!!! I still don't quite understand it. How can kicking the dog and flushing the fish BOTH be forgivable?!?! I mean, obviously both seem permissible to us because they aren't TERRIBLE... but if kicking the dog was equivalent to not obeying the speed limit and flushing the fish was being a homosexual or cheating on your spouse... does it sound so permissible now? That's the part I don't understand. I know God forgives me for saying some of the things I say to or about people... but the things I've done in the past that I haven't forgiven MYSELF for yet... I can still have that piece of candy if I want. *sigh*... I just love Jesus so much....
okay, here's the whole song. I STRONGLY suggest you (whoever is reading) look up the song and listen to it. It's beautiful...
I’ve tasted Your glory and I left it there.
Your poured out Your Spirit and I didn’t care.
Still you loved me
I’ve lived for myself with nobody to blame.
I took what You gave me and squandered Your grace.
Still You loved me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
I could live for the broken and share in their pain.
I could die like a martyr or live like a saint just to love You.
I could sing like the angels and gather Your praise:
Be blessed beyond measure and give it away just to love You.
Still nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
My heart has been broken; I’ve laid out my shame.
Because of Your mercy,
All I can say is I love You.
So I’ll tell of Your story
I’ll carry Your name
I’ll live for Your glory Lord,
I’ll share in Your pain just to love You.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing can separate us
Nothing can separate us
Not death or life
Or depth or height
Or unseen power
Now or ever!
it's partly due to my own actions, I guess. but.... walking out of my room, down the hall into someone elses room and SHUTTING THE DOOR... alittle much for my taste. Closing both bathroom doors and inviting everyone in your room... again, not my taste. Oh, and I love being ignored. saying hi to everyone, asking about everyones weekend... OH! and LIED to! now THAT'S a good one!
Ugh, it's been really stressful lately. papers, presentations.... cousins. I guess I thought that word meant something. I'm not mad, at all- which is kinda weird. I'm just.... beyond hurt. I want to cry every time I think of the situation. I'm just SO unbelievably hurt, beyond words. I've been lied to before but not so blatant. I suppose it was meant to happen then... not being friends with my cousin.
Today is Nathaniel Drew's birthday :) my bestest friend in the whole widest of worlds without a shadow of a doubt. But, I'm not texting him until 11:59 tonight. hehehe... yeah right. I say that but I know that I won't follow through with it. *sigh*... he got me a french coffee press for my birthday :D... so unbelievably UNnecessary but I'm so unbelievably grateful. I can't wait to make my first cup of pressed coffee!! :) Now I feel alittle bad that all I got him was a gift card and a thermos :( I tried finding something else!! nothing was good enough :( I suck as a friend haha although... it's a really nice thermos if I do say so myself. His coffee was STEAMING hot after a few HOURS!!! but still, nothing tops a coffee press. He won't have to get me anything for my birthday or Christmas so long as we're both friends BECAUSE OF the coffee press. that's how much I love it. :) okay, now that I'm done gushing about my banging new press :D hehe
Last night on the way back to school with Meridyth we were listening to Michael Gungor's song Prodigal. WOW... I've always loved that song but once you REALLY listen to it.. WOW.... I wanted to cry SO bad because I realized so much in just 6 minutes and 6 seconds (the length of the song for those that may be confused). the first verse goes:
"I’ve tasted Your glory and I left it there.
Your poured out Your Spirit and I didn’t care.
Still you loved me
I’ve lived for myself with nobody to blame.
I took what You gave me and squandered Your grace.
Still You loved me."
... how true? I KNOW I'm not a perfect Christian, no one is. But "I left it there", "I didn't care" "I lived for myself" and "i took what you gave me and squandered your grace".... I'm guilty. I've been given SO much and yet I'm so unappreciative. the KING OF KINGS.... LORD OF LORD... the stinking SON OF GOD!!! loves me, died for me, and has given me GRACE for my mistakes.. GRACE!!! lets look up what grace is quick...the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. favor. we have FAVOR with God. it's freely given. He knows he's going to give it to us before we even ask for it!! It's like.... like it's a piece of candy just sitting on a table, in the open. If we stop... I don't know, kicking the dog and say we're sorry, we can have the piece of candy (kicking the dog is the sin, the piece of candy is grace, and the person we're saying we're sorry to is God for those we were confused). And regardless if we say we're sorry or stop kicking the dog, the piece of candy is STILL there. even if we flush the goldfish down the toilet. We can still have the piece of candy if we are truly sorry. AMAZING!!! I still don't quite understand it. How can kicking the dog and flushing the fish BOTH be forgivable?!?! I mean, obviously both seem permissible to us because they aren't TERRIBLE... but if kicking the dog was equivalent to not obeying the speed limit and flushing the fish was being a homosexual or cheating on your spouse... does it sound so permissible now? That's the part I don't understand. I know God forgives me for saying some of the things I say to or about people... but the things I've done in the past that I haven't forgiven MYSELF for yet... I can still have that piece of candy if I want. *sigh*... I just love Jesus so much....
okay, here's the whole song. I STRONGLY suggest you (whoever is reading) look up the song and listen to it. It's beautiful...
I’ve tasted Your glory and I left it there.
Your poured out Your Spirit and I didn’t care.
Still you loved me
I’ve lived for myself with nobody to blame.
I took what You gave me and squandered Your grace.
Still You loved me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
I could live for the broken and share in their pain.
I could die like a martyr or live like a saint just to love You.
I could sing like the angels and gather Your praise:
Be blessed beyond measure and give it away just to love You.
Still nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
My heart has been broken; I’ve laid out my shame.
Because of Your mercy,
All I can say is I love You.
So I’ll tell of Your story
I’ll carry Your name
I’ll live for Your glory Lord,
I’ll share in Your pain just to love You.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing can separate us
Nothing can separate us
Not death or life
Or depth or height
Or unseen power
Now or ever!
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