nothing witty... just me.

Not complaining, just STATING that the process of WAITING.. is agonizing. I'm trying SO HARD!! I don't think about it near as much. I certainly don't voice it unless I'm joking around [[that being saying I need a boyfriend after seeing an old man walk by or someone that obviously doesn't shower]]. But regardless... I AM still trying. But for some reason, so MYSTERY, I can't get this twisting out of my stomach that waiting is in fact settling. That, me sitting around waiting for it to happen to me is IN FACT detrimental. Like... when your making cookies [[i'm not fat]] and they 5 minutes left on the timer as well as a cooling down time after they're out. But you want one SOO bad. Once their out, cooled, and have the perfect golden brown outside with the gooey, chewy, yummy inside... you go to reach for one... and someone slaps your hand. Hard, aggressive, and it stings! They look at you, right in the eye, and say "no! didn't you know their better the longer you let them sit?!". So you comply. The cookies sit there... the steam goes away, they aren't quite as fluffy looking, and the center isn't quite as gooey looking. So, before they go completely bad you reach for one. You're fingers are within an inch... *SLAP*... yet again you're told to wait just alittle longer. Seriously, after you've waited the RIGHT amount of time, it'll be the BEST cookie you've EVER had. So you sit there.... in front of the cookies watching everyone else pawing them, taking them, eating them, enjoying THEIR cookie. You're forced to sit there, salivating, watching everyone else take one, sometimes two. I'm sitting there, watching everyone else get cookies and I'm left with my nose smooshed against the glass window of the bakery wondering "how come they get to enjoy their cookies and all i have is a welt on my hand?"
relationships are the cookies, my hand is my heart. I'm welted, just wanting what everyone else around me has. But I'm constantly told to wait. wait. wait. wait. Once I have one, it'll be worth it. What if, once I have my "cookie", it's hard, crumbly, old, and cold. Why is my face the only one leaving a mark on the glass window? Why am I the only one having to wait? Am I listening to other people more than I'm listening to God? Has the answer been in front of me the whole time and I just didn't see it because I've been asking the wrong baker. No longer. I'm done listening to the sous chef... my ears are focused on the executive chef.
I got inspired by this while watching Gilmore Girls [[suprised? i think not]] Luke and Lorelai, in the 5th season, finally started dating. They were really good friends, saw each other everyday, knew each other better than they knew themselves, and were finally happy together. In one episode Luke says to Lorelai, "it only took us 8 years to get here". It's a running joke between me and my best friend Mer that I'm Lorelai. Well... where's my Luke? Where's the one person that will know me better than I know myself. And is it going to take 8 years? *humph*
I suppose.... i can wait alittle while longer. My hand can take it...

Who can take the sunrise, sprinkle it with dew? The candyman can!

sometimes things don't go the way we plan. but the only thing we can do is adjust. If the solution is that simple, why is it so difficult to execute? That's my prayer lately - adjustment.

Roll out those hazy, lazy, crazy days of summer

sometimes life is just sad.
just.
plain.
sad.

You're a Real Tough Cookie With a Long History

Recently, I don't know what's gotten into me.
I make my bed, put away my clothes, moisturize. I've been biting my tongue [or my fingers- if you will] more often, I'm actually trying. And most of all.. I can feel it. From the inside moving it's way out. Like a ... detox. Rather nice actually. Maybe it's all the water I've been drinking or perhaps my bedroom renovation. Clearing out the clutter and moving towards being a minimalist. Whatever the reason, I like it. I feel calm, peaceful...
One thing I've really been working on is rebuilding the bridges I've burnt. They may not be a complete pile of rubble but they are charred and thankfully.. [hopefully] ..salvageable. There are people I stopped talking to the day we graduated, others whom I tried keeping in touch with, and others yet who didn't go with the plan God intended for them. It's not my place to judge what a person decides to do with their life but still I did. True, it's sad they didn't follow God's will but who knows! Maybe God has something in store for them that's much greater than I expect for myself.
Trying to build up old relationships may not be a huge step or a major change... but it's something. I'd much rather leave this Earth knowing I've done my best to be the best possible version of myself that I can be rather than be disappointed knowing I didn't try.
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I have this friend. He means the world to me. He is, seriously, the best thing to ever obnoxiously pop into my life. Though he's younger than me [:D].. he's my big brother. I know that at the end of the day it doesn't matter if he hasn't texted me or I haven't heard from him. It doesn't matter that I'm not constantly making my presence known to him where ever we may be... I know he's got my back. He'll protect me from any gross, crude, moroccan [;)] that do nothing but hurt me. And he knows I'll do just the same for him. It's a beautiful friendship we've built... :) There have been rifts, there have been complications. And they did momentarily complicate things... but... a friend is a friend for life. No Matter What. He's got my back, I've got his. Bottom line. That's it. End of Story. And with THAT being it, I couldn't be happier with our friendship being any other way :)
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We're not the exception, we're the rule.
I'm always the rule. I've dated the "Ben's". I've been with the "Neil's". I even know my fair share of "Conor's".. but where's my "Alex"? I've been the heart-broken, I've been the pawn, and I've been the heart-breaker, but for goodness sakes.... when am I going to be someone's Gigi?! It's depressing watching your best friend of 13 years show off her engagement ring when she's 3 years younger than you and has only been dating her now fiance for about a year. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely THRILLED for her!! It's amazing to see her in love and it's exciting to be a part of the process. But when is it my turn? I don't want to be the girl from 27 Dresses. But I don't want to be The Boelyn Girl either. "He's out there" I KNOW! ugh. I'm sick of being told that... Apparently, I'm supposed to wait... sooo... WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING A MOVE - - MAKE IT!!!! *rant over*
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peaceful. calm. serene.

These are a few of my favorite things

I'm laying here in bed watching Gilmore Girls, in the dark, with my fan blowing on me. It's how I fall asleep at night and it's how I relax. Odd, isn't it? One- I usually end up getting a cold in the morning because I'm so hot throughout the day and then the ice cold air... equals the sniffles in the morning. Also, Gilmore Girls is such a high paced, fast-talking show some people find it stressful or liberating.. well, I've seen all the seasons so many times I could quote them all nearly word-for-word.
Right in the middle of one of Lorelai and Rory's big fights I hear one of these.. roars?.. rumbles? I honestly thought my dad was snoring and I could hear him. So I paused my show, turned on my lamp, turned off my fan and heard it... thunder :).
I love thunderstorms. I don't know what it is about them but I love hearing it, seeing it... and smelling it. But for some reason this particular storm made me think.
Sometimes I take things for granted. Lots of things. And I don't live to the fullest. I don't stop and smell the flowers. And I surely don't appreciate the flowers. Nor the maker of those flowers. Earlier today I was thinking about church. I don't worship enough. Now, I understand that people worship different ways but raising my hands, singing out loud (though it suuuucks), and even just clapping.. that's how I worship. And I miss it, I miss it so much. It's like when all you do is eat and have no drink to accompany it. Yet, you're not hungry... but something's missing and it totally throws everything off.

Thank you Lord for this storm...this wake up call. It was for me :)