First time for everything

I have spent the last 4 days in tears. But oddly enough, its refreshing. I feel like it's almost renewing who I am over and over. I'm ridding myself of thoughts, feelings, hurts, and regrets in order to attain what's in my future. *ahh* future... it's so scary to think about, yet it's exciting. Not knowing what's going to happen, where you'll be, who will be there with you, and everything that will happen in between. 

I do find myself day dreaming about the future. What I'd like to see happen. Unfortunately most of it probably never will. Which is okay, I'm sure whatever is in store will be twenty times better.

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Sometimes, I feel like I'm kidding myself. Like that one human video Audience of One used to do. I feel like I have so many masks that I wear. I really should get a whole separate dresser for them. I want to be me though, I want to be comfortable in who I am and walk in confidence. It's hard though. All my life I've been in everyones shadows. I've come to find comfort in my inadequacies and my incompetence. I know I play up being in the spot light and being the center of attention but really I would rather be the wall flower, observing, watching. Don't get me wrong, I love being seen and making people laugh. But, that's not who I am.

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Lately I'm trying to face my fears, slowly. It's going to take awhile but, I'm doing it none the less. I have to stretch from my comfort and put myself out there. But not like what I had already said. I need to be vulnerable. I have so many walls around my heart and who I really am that I'm starting to lose sight of my very self. Like, when I picture my heart I see it in the highest of towers in a huge castle with bars on every window. But within the tower, it's sitting under a bullet proof, sealed case that can't be broken. All around the locked castle is a moat filled with hungry, angry alligators that have nothing but hate in their eyes. Then around the moat is a 20 foot wall with no doors or gates in it. Then past the wall are huge dragons. And my heart is in the center of it. 

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God's moving in my life, I can feel it. He's slowly pulling out the weeds that are starting to grow over everything and he's definitely preparing me for something big to happen. It's terrifying, trusting so deeply in him. But it's completely satisfying too. I wouldn't rather trust anyone else. I can't trust anyone else. 

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I leave with this...

my fish booger is the man :)