what you're lookin for has been here the whole time...

I'm growing so tired. My arms are becoming heavy and my shoulders are falling. My knees are shaking and I don't think my heart can take the rest.

There are times when I feel like a complete idiot about how I feel. And there are even times when my feelings are completely justified. But what makes everything worse is that you don't know. I need to talk it out with you, I need to know your stance, your thoughts, whether or not you'll hate me forever. But I've been put in this pain for 4 years, can't you suffer through an hour or two of talking?! No...and I don't blame you either.
I just...I have so many questions...what do you think? do you know? do you WANT to know? will things change? do you want them to change? have you never thought of me like that? will you ever? do you care? do you even understand? UGH!
It's hard to watch someone so close to your heart settle again and again and again when I've just been....sitting on the sidelines supporting them the entire time. It's like I cheering, "yeah! Go you and your new relationship that is slowly tearing me to pieces! WOO!" I think there comes a time when I need to stop cheering...stop coaching...maybe even leave the game so that I can be sure I'm not going to get hurt anymore.

He hurts me and doesn't know. He hurts me and yet...

I know what I need to do to grow. I have to get past my past bitterness so that I can move forward. And once I've moved forward I need to seek. And once I've become content in seeking and growing and learning... then God will mend my broken heart and wounded spirit.

After weeks of crying I thought I was over that... but, I guess I'm not.

If you would just open your eyes and put together the pieces.......UGH!