Lord prepare me. To be a Sanctuary.

I want to cry. Everyday gets so hard to face. I know there's something out there, but it's hard to face each moment not knowing what's going to happen next. And I don't want to be the girl that whines and complains about because she's not happy with where she is in life. I want to be the girl that is happy and content and just flowing. It's even harder when  I'm surrounded by people that are where I want to be. I'm happy for my friends, I truly am. But I want to be happy. I hate going at every day with the view that it'll happen someday, there's someone out there for me, he'll be so worth it. It's depressing. I especially don't want pity. People don't know what I'm feeling or thinking. They don't care that I'm so miserable about where I am in life right now. They happy where they are so why give a rip that I'm not there? They can't relate. Yeah, sure they may have been single before - but they aren't now. and they weren't for as long as I have been. 

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6 years. It's been 6 years. The last memory imbedded in my mind about a relationship was finding out over the phone that I was just cheated on. Is that how it's supposed to end for me? Am I SUPPOSED to walk around not trusting people for anything? I don't want to. I don't like it. It hurts being so defensive. It's tiring questioning everything. It would be so much easier to just believe what everyone says and trust that "love" is real or that I can fully trust one person with everything I have. But I can't. I keep holding onto my falsehood, my lies, my deception. IT'S NOT FAIR!! I don't want this!! I didn't ask for it!!

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I just want this to be over. This period in my life. I want to move on... so badly...

If I've ever done something or thought something crazy - its usually just because I care. There are so many people, so many possibilities, and so many reasons not to entertain the idea, yet I can't help it because it sounds like a good thought. There are times I feel it'd be perfect, make sense... and other times where I think to myself, "would it even work though?" but if it makes sense - wouldn't that mean it'd work itself out? It's hard to let things go - it's hard to allow someone else control things that sometimes put themselves right in front of me. Is it God putting these opportunities in front of me or is it the devil putting false hope in my face? It's hard to distinguish and it's harder to resist. I'm finding that the more I screw up, the longer it's going to take until I get what I'm supposed to have. Will I stop fighting and surrender? or will I continue trying out my own options?

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I sometimes find myself settling for happiness as opposed to waiting for complete contentment. Settling is sometimes natural, sometimes expected, and even sometimes something you have to do in order to reach a greater prize. But do I have to constantly settle over and over. Perhaps, I've mistaken settling for content. perhaps I've become content in settling. So, here's to pressing on.

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