rejection is even worse when they don't know you.

I feel so stupid for feeling hurt and rejected. I didn't even know the guy. But I think that makes it worse. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know my humor, my family, my friends, my desires, my call. I wasn't given the opportunity to have a chance. I know God has someone for me.... BLAH FREAKING BLAH!! I know that!! I've KNOWN that.... STOP FREAKING SAYING IT!!! all that says to me is that there's something wrong with me that I don't deserve him now. Something about me isn't good enough for him. It's not a feel good phrase. It stings. so, please stop saying it.

I don't really know if I'm ready for this. For being vulnerable- showing people "I'm ready for commitment, please see through my soul and decide from there if I'm material". How is that good for someone with already dismal self esteem.

ugh, i hate myself. goodnight.

Thanks Bob.. for lookin' out for the ladies...

I found this.... and absolutely love it.
"you may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect- you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break- her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know what she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there." -Bob Marley

Isn't that what life and love is about? Not being perfect, not being flawless, not eve being those things TOGETHER but it's about finding that person that keeps you human, makes you want to improve, and who complements you. All a girl, all I can ask for is someone who does that. Someone who tells me when I screw up, when I'm irritating, when I'm wrong, and what I can do to change. I don't want to be found perfect in someone I just want to be me. I'm complete in no other person but God. But I do believe I can be happy in a man.

I will find it. He is out there. God has a reason for everything and though I'm occasionally VERY impatient, I can trust in his timing. All things work out for those who trust :)

So, me.. the girl that has been hurt countless times, the girl that is more used to doubt then self assurance, the girl that is trying to hard to find herself.... the girl that cant even trust herself sometimes..... is trusting God for everything in her life. This girl, is becoming a true woman of God. finally :)

Turning into someone I never thought I'd be.

The other day I did something I never thought I would actually do. I've thought about it. Every time I hear about it, I think of it for awhile afterwards. I want to make fun of those that do it- but secretly I wish I were them. Even though I WANTED to believe they were stooping to a level I was too good for, I knew they had the courage I lacked.
Well, I am one of them now. I can't poke fun anymore. (Am I saying "I" alot? feels like I am... *hmph*). Regardless, things are going to be different. A new chapter is starting and the pages are already turning. My story is being written!! No more footnotes, no more spell check. and no more re writes. The story is starting to flow, the plot is thickening and it's going to start getting good!
There aren't any hesitations, I'm not feeling any doubts. For the first time in a very long time all there is to feel is peace... contentment. Content with the steps being taken and confidence they are what God is having me do. As my sister said this afternoon. we have the ability to take the initiative. Well IT'S TAKEN! I'm game, I'm all in.
Ya know, I'm going to eat my words I said earlier (I could just delete it and re write it but I'm too lazy and it's really late). This isn't a new chapter, it's an entirely new book. I'm no longer the author. It's Jesus. I'm FINALLY handing over the quill and letting HIM take over. I've done a horrible job at trying to write my own story and no one is reading it. I'm more excited to read the story myself, as it's going along as opposed to read the back cover.
It's already working out pretty well... I will keep you updated... whoever "you" are. Since I don't have readers.