Ultimate Cake-off

I don't even really know what to say.. I'm just kinda, "eh. whatever." Life is good. I don't really feel like I have anything to really be... "woo hoo!" about..
well, just not right this second.
I do, however, feel like I could be more ahead of the game with this wedding than I am. We have the ceremony venue. We have a good idea of the reception venue. I *think* we have the colors planned.
We have a date... so that's more than most unengaged couples have!

He's so great :) It gets crazier and crazier how much I love him. I never thought I'd be cuddling with a guy in my living or planning MY OWN wedding, or trying on wedding dresses. He was really sick this past weekend and still went to Philadelphia with me to visit all my friends. he's such a trooper!
We just got pictures taken by a "cousin-in-law" who did an AMAZING job. She really captured the essence of our relationship and who we are individually. He's SO STINKIN' CUTE!!! I really do love him a whole lot :)
really, what else is there to say other than... GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME! :)

While we wait..

So every wednesday I will be cooking dinner for my family. It's my way of learning how to cook so that once Brandon and I are married, we aren't stuck with cereal and scrambled eggs every night. [Yes, I just said married.] Even though he's perfectly content with both of those.. I don't want him to get sick of it... and I love cooking- so it's the perfect chance :)

Tonight- Cinna-Bon pancakes. Yes... AMAZING! They look and taste just like the actual Cinnamon Buns. Only better because you can eat bacon or eggs with them. But- why would you want to do that?? My brother ate 5... I ate three. My mom was only going to eat 1 but I think she had three too. THEY ARE SO GOOD! I made them tonight to test them out for Friday. I'm going over to Brandon's house early morning to make them for him as a part of his birthday. I really think he'll love them :)

the website I used for the recipe:
www.bigredkitchen.com/2010/06/cinnamon-roll-pancakes.html

I used Fat free cream cheese and skim milk to reduce some of the calories and fat. That way you can eat MORE! Because, you'll want to... yum-o!

The great thing about cooking, it's your chance to show someone how much you mean to them. If I were to hand Brandon a bowl of cereal every night for dinner- what would that tell him? No, not just "hey, I bought lucky charms instead of fruit loops this week." I feel like me MAKING something, slaving over the hot stove, and researching something special is my way of showing him, and anyone else I might be cooking for, how much they mean to me. I really love cooking...

well, I'm hanging out my apron and throwing in the towel for tonight- after I clean up that is!

my deepest apologies.

It's been ages, too long.
So much has happened!! My dinner party, a new friendship, a better friendship, a realization, a relationship, an anniversary, a trip, and a death.
My dinner party went amazing! I was supposed to have a co-host but that kinda fell through. So, I did the majority of it myself. And I don't want to boast but I think I pulled it off pretty well. For having 9 people, 4 courses, activities, and impeccable decor... I did a really great job. I would have been up a creek without a paddle if it weren't for my mom and Aunt Marilee though. they were in the kitchen the whole night and served everything BEAUTIFULLY. I will totally do that again. Maybe a smaller crowd and with different help or no help at all. :)
A girl from work, Amber, has become a really good friend. Because we work together and hang out outside of work- I feel like she knows me pretty well. For only being friends for a few months- she's become a really great friend. We recently just took a trip down to New Jersey together for her birthday to go to Carlo's Bakery from the show Cake Boss. It was a lot of fun!! We had some amazing food, did some shopping, and got pedicures... lots of fun :)
My friend Jamie and I had a really rough time awhile ago when some shady things happened. But, we both grew up and moved on from it. I'm always one to rebuild bridges and this friendship was one that NOW I can benefit from. Of course now, we live 16 hours away from each other. But, it's nice to have her back in my life.
After sitting back, reevaluating, and noticing how things really happen... I've learned that some people, even if their in my life without my choice, they don't have to be involved in my life. It's been pretty easy. I've been enjoying being appreciated, trusted, and not taken advantage of. I wish people the best in their life, that's all I have to say about that.
My sister and I threw an anniversary party for our parents. It was beautiful. And a complete surprise! They deserved every bit of that party and every dollar that was spent on it. There was nothing greater than seeing their faces after every surprise we had in store for them.
My ex-boyfriend's wife had a baby. Alanna Marlee John. She was born sleeping with a full head of red hair. She was beautiful. The most perfect baby I've ever seen. Ben and Beth are the strongest people I've ever known. They have such strength that only God can grant, as well as peace. It's hard to understand, especially since she had nothing wrong with her. But there is a reason for everything...

So, here's the news we've all been waiting for. I have a boyfriend :) He's perfect. There's not a thing wrong with him. I love him so much. He IS my other half. He's who I've been waiting for. He's the one :) He's currently gone until sunday and it's rough not seeing him. But, he'll come home soon :) I've prayed and prayed for YEARS for the man I am to marry... Brandon is everything I've prayed for and more. He's my prayers answered. Words can't describe how blessed I feel to have found him. He's an encouragement to my life :) I just..... I just love him so much :)

well, THERE'S an update for you!

But...

"advance the clock to see how far it's gonna go." -Eric Hutchinson, "Rock & Roll"
Yes, please. Let's do that. It's like.. the longest 3 weeks of my life. Like nothing's happening yet in my mind and in my heart.. it it. My heart keeps telling me it will continue but my mind keeps saying it's over. See?! There's my problem. My mind rewinds back to my past when I've been cheated, betrayed, lied to, and made a fool. But it's like my heart knows something that it's not telling my head. AND the analytical, over-thinker, control-freak in my mind keeps wanting to blow over and EXPLODE everything with the 'woman scorned' inside... But.... I wanna listen to my heart. For once.
Sunday was a revelation. Pastor Hezlop interpreted a word and said not to believe the spirit of fear and doubt. WOW. I need to stop doubting God and his plans for my life. When my uncle prophesied over me to rely on God's direction, I listened to God and advanced a little in his kingdom. Now that I've continued listening to him I've starting... there it is, OVER-THINKING and started doubting what I'm doing. HCC is where God has directed me. It's where I need to be. For reasons unknown to me. For all I know it's simply academic. But even still.. His will.
That's what it's all about. HIS will. Not mine. And it's really all I want. I can't live life on my own. I'll screw it up. He's much better at it.
I don't think I feel like crying anymore...

A freckle on the nose of life's complexion.

Why do I do this to myself? I feel SO stressed. Everything is happening at once and half of it, I can't share.
I've been running more lately. I think because that's how I deal with stress. I'm metaphorically and almost quite literally running away from everything. I feel like I'm sweating everything out.. detoxing I guess. Well, I've been doing really well, then I stopped for about 4 days. I went back tonight and really pushed myself. I hurt. Soooo bad. My mind on the other hand- feels SOO good. I don't feel overwhelmed. I feel like I can breath.
On the other hand, parts of my life are going BEAUTIFULLY. eHarmony has proved itself :) I've been emailing the same guy for almost a month now. He's probably the funniest, dorkiest, considerate and most endearing guy I've ever met. He understands and "gets" my humor. I don't believe I've ever looked forward to emails so much before. And the most amazing thing about him... he loves God :) Just from his emails you can hear and see his love for the Lord. IT'S SO REFRESHING! Today, he told me I deserve attention. Never have I been told that.
I can't wait for the next steps, to see where this goes. But, I'm enjoying this. :)

Are things finally starting to settle down? Am I finally finding that balance? It can't possibly be this easy...

Tattoo... ain't so new.

Every time I look down at my foot, I'm reminded of who I am and how I got here. It's amazing to have my life, my soul, my essence on display on my foot in a different language.
How many other people can say their tattoos really mean something? Something so deep that it literally stems from their skin. What's more of "you" than your own skin? After all... skin is what my very own is about.

Many of you... well.... no one reads this so it may just be in vain. Regardless, my fascination with this particular tattoo stems from when I was 15. For reasons that are now no longer important, I sank into a depression that lasted 4 years. I began to cut myself on both my arms and in places still concealed. There's a sick, twisted release that came from it. Like my own personal hell was bleeding out and I was free from it. But, that of course, didn't stick. I never imagined it would have happened as often and for as long as it did. The longer I dealt with it, the more psychological it became. I would hyperventilate in my dorm room, alone, feeling helpless. I had tried calling for help but it's like there were hands around my neck keeping me from speaking. I remember often laying there, on the floor completely paralyzed and not being able to do anything but clutch my knees and cry. I never once thought I would be free or find help.
Through counseling and through pushing myself, I did. I found the light at the end of the tunnel and thus developed my own passion to help others do the same. That's when I also heard about To Write Love On Her Arms. An organization dedicated to my very own poison. I fell in love with the stories, the cause, the outreach, the purpose. TWLOHA's "tag" or "slogan" if you will, is "Rescue is Possible". Such a simple phrase gives such HOPE to those struggling to reach the place I've achieved. It's possible... being rescued, finding freedom, is POSSIBLE.
I researched Hebrew and found the correct symbols and put together my first tattoo. "Rescue is Possible" in Hebrew is now a permanent testament to my trials. But also a mobile soap box to stand on and share the hope I've found.

It's more than ink to me... it's who I am.

rejection is even worse when they don't know you.

I feel so stupid for feeling hurt and rejected. I didn't even know the guy. But I think that makes it worse. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know my humor, my family, my friends, my desires, my call. I wasn't given the opportunity to have a chance. I know God has someone for me.... BLAH FREAKING BLAH!! I know that!! I've KNOWN that.... STOP FREAKING SAYING IT!!! all that says to me is that there's something wrong with me that I don't deserve him now. Something about me isn't good enough for him. It's not a feel good phrase. It stings. so, please stop saying it.

I don't really know if I'm ready for this. For being vulnerable- showing people "I'm ready for commitment, please see through my soul and decide from there if I'm material". How is that good for someone with already dismal self esteem.

ugh, i hate myself. goodnight.

Thanks Bob.. for lookin' out for the ladies...

I found this.... and absolutely love it.
"you may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect- you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break- her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know what she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there." -Bob Marley

Isn't that what life and love is about? Not being perfect, not being flawless, not eve being those things TOGETHER but it's about finding that person that keeps you human, makes you want to improve, and who complements you. All a girl, all I can ask for is someone who does that. Someone who tells me when I screw up, when I'm irritating, when I'm wrong, and what I can do to change. I don't want to be found perfect in someone I just want to be me. I'm complete in no other person but God. But I do believe I can be happy in a man.

I will find it. He is out there. God has a reason for everything and though I'm occasionally VERY impatient, I can trust in his timing. All things work out for those who trust :)

So, me.. the girl that has been hurt countless times, the girl that is more used to doubt then self assurance, the girl that is trying to hard to find herself.... the girl that cant even trust herself sometimes..... is trusting God for everything in her life. This girl, is becoming a true woman of God. finally :)

Turning into someone I never thought I'd be.

The other day I did something I never thought I would actually do. I've thought about it. Every time I hear about it, I think of it for awhile afterwards. I want to make fun of those that do it- but secretly I wish I were them. Even though I WANTED to believe they were stooping to a level I was too good for, I knew they had the courage I lacked.
Well, I am one of them now. I can't poke fun anymore. (Am I saying "I" alot? feels like I am... *hmph*). Regardless, things are going to be different. A new chapter is starting and the pages are already turning. My story is being written!! No more footnotes, no more spell check. and no more re writes. The story is starting to flow, the plot is thickening and it's going to start getting good!
There aren't any hesitations, I'm not feeling any doubts. For the first time in a very long time all there is to feel is peace... contentment. Content with the steps being taken and confidence they are what God is having me do. As my sister said this afternoon. we have the ability to take the initiative. Well IT'S TAKEN! I'm game, I'm all in.
Ya know, I'm going to eat my words I said earlier (I could just delete it and re write it but I'm too lazy and it's really late). This isn't a new chapter, it's an entirely new book. I'm no longer the author. It's Jesus. I'm FINALLY handing over the quill and letting HIM take over. I've done a horrible job at trying to write my own story and no one is reading it. I'm more excited to read the story myself, as it's going along as opposed to read the back cover.
It's already working out pretty well... I will keep you updated... whoever "you" are. Since I don't have readers.

Bangs..

All my friends are together, on one campus. I'm here, at home. It's hard to not sink into a depression and it's difficult to keep my head above water. I'm really praying that God sends something or someone to keep me here, where the humans are.
My best friend of 20 years is there without a suitmate and I'm here without my own bathroom. I wish I were there. I wish it was in God's will. I'm finding it very challenging... this... being on my own raft. I'm used to a cruise boat, with lots of people.
My best friend of 4 years is there again. And I'm pretty sure he's already forgotten about me. While we were both home we saw each other nearly every day. Now.. he could probably go weeks without talking to me. I understand that he's with his friends now... but... well, maybe I'm who I thought I was in his life.

I feel very alone. I feel vulnerable. Unsure. Confused. Anxious. Tired. Stressed. Worried.
I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. But also like I'm losing a lot.