But...

"advance the clock to see how far it's gonna go." -Eric Hutchinson, "Rock & Roll"
Yes, please. Let's do that. It's like.. the longest 3 weeks of my life. Like nothing's happening yet in my mind and in my heart.. it it. My heart keeps telling me it will continue but my mind keeps saying it's over. See?! There's my problem. My mind rewinds back to my past when I've been cheated, betrayed, lied to, and made a fool. But it's like my heart knows something that it's not telling my head. AND the analytical, over-thinker, control-freak in my mind keeps wanting to blow over and EXPLODE everything with the 'woman scorned' inside... But.... I wanna listen to my heart. For once.
Sunday was a revelation. Pastor Hezlop interpreted a word and said not to believe the spirit of fear and doubt. WOW. I need to stop doubting God and his plans for my life. When my uncle prophesied over me to rely on God's direction, I listened to God and advanced a little in his kingdom. Now that I've continued listening to him I've starting... there it is, OVER-THINKING and started doubting what I'm doing. HCC is where God has directed me. It's where I need to be. For reasons unknown to me. For all I know it's simply academic. But even still.. His will.
That's what it's all about. HIS will. Not mine. And it's really all I want. I can't live life on my own. I'll screw it up. He's much better at it.
I don't think I feel like crying anymore...

A freckle on the nose of life's complexion.

Why do I do this to myself? I feel SO stressed. Everything is happening at once and half of it, I can't share.
I've been running more lately. I think because that's how I deal with stress. I'm metaphorically and almost quite literally running away from everything. I feel like I'm sweating everything out.. detoxing I guess. Well, I've been doing really well, then I stopped for about 4 days. I went back tonight and really pushed myself. I hurt. Soooo bad. My mind on the other hand- feels SOO good. I don't feel overwhelmed. I feel like I can breath.
On the other hand, parts of my life are going BEAUTIFULLY. eHarmony has proved itself :) I've been emailing the same guy for almost a month now. He's probably the funniest, dorkiest, considerate and most endearing guy I've ever met. He understands and "gets" my humor. I don't believe I've ever looked forward to emails so much before. And the most amazing thing about him... he loves God :) Just from his emails you can hear and see his love for the Lord. IT'S SO REFRESHING! Today, he told me I deserve attention. Never have I been told that.
I can't wait for the next steps, to see where this goes. But, I'm enjoying this. :)

Are things finally starting to settle down? Am I finally finding that balance? It can't possibly be this easy...