liberal with a touch of reform and a smidgen of zippity pow!

I'm trying SO HARD to remain positive. but it's like I'm getting hit from all sides. And every side is pressuring me to just pop off on everyone. I can feel my heart hardening. I can sense my rude, sarcastic tone. The good news is... me and God are in communication, he's pouring into me, he's stretching me. When something happens, when a situation arises, he's the first person I go to. Then my mom. But he is my filter. And he's definitely growing me. But... people make it hard. Especially people that used to go to you for advice. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about change- growing- moving... all that. But not when they are changing for the worse. How do you tell someone this? "hey, you're changing into a horrible person that no one can stand to be around-mind doing something about that?" false.. you can't say that. Especially when people are encouraging them. The bad thing is, it's not GOOD encouragement. I want to say something, I want to step in.. but i can't. They're an "adult", away from home, "mature". UGH!

School, on the other hand, is amazing. I love all my classes this semester. I almost don't want it to end. But then again, NEXT semester wouldn't happen :). so much going to happen come January. Good and Bad. Mostly good... but some bad. I'm nervous about some people joining our campus. I don't know what the transitions will mean or what will happen... but all I can do is see what will happen. But I don't want to... I hate some of these changes. I want my friends. That's all. They're all changing... UGH! see, I try to change the subject but it all comes back to the same thing. CHANGE.

My birthday is in 3 days. I'm not too excited. It's just another year older, another higher number. Plus, this weekend I have to work, my grandparents are having their 50th wedding anniversary, light the night, and working again. I have no time to be with my family, which is the only fun thing about my birthday. I hate Sheetz.

That's my life, boring, horrid, and anxious. Maybe I should have another cup of coffee...

honey bunches of oats.

i just kinda want to slam my head in a door over and over.

maybe then everything will stop spinning and i can focus on something else.

Driving down the back roads only traveling 30 miles an hour. Enjoying the cool evening, hearing the creatures of the night. I couldn't help but reflect.
It'd been long, tiring, draining day. I was forced to prioritize, forced to reevaluate, and forced to be transparent. I realized something about myself in the midst of all of it. I'm not as strong as I thought. I'm also not as extroverted as I thought. I would prefer to live a life in exclusion. I would rather keep to myself, stay in, just do what I need to do to get by. Unfortunately, that's not what being a christian is about, that's not what being a disciple is about.
I'm trying. I'm pushing myself. I'm really trying to learn and grow in Christ to be who I'm meant to be.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. Maybe that's all I needed to say.
But I do know that I need my best friend with me. He can't be here right now, which hurts a little. But I know he would be if he could. It just sucks when the people closest to you can't be so close when you need them most.

I'm blessed beyond comprehension.
my friends
my family
... everything...
it's more than I deserve!! and the only think I can do, is better myself to BE deserving.

Thank you Lord. For reminding me of how gracious and loving you are.

like it. love it. need it.

So much is happening around me. So many people are confused, hurt, upset, alone, feeling rejected and yet I'm supposed to be finding contentment? I'm supposed to be working and finding myself?! Why do that? Why watch everyone else go through life continuously getting hurt and say "well, God has a reason" yet expect my problems to be fixed? Sometimes I feel so guilty in asking for the things I need when everyone deserves them so much quicker. And why do the people who don't deserve the answers, get them? And why do the ones who on faithful again and again and believe and trust.... are put through the trials?

I'm so tired. Emotionally and physically. I love talking to people, listening to their problems, trying to help them, all that. It just gets heavy sometimes. Especially when I have to deal with my own stuff. That's almost what it feels like. Like, there are people that talk to me about their burdens and struggles and I take them, talk them out, pray for them, all that stuff. But there isn't anyone that I can do that with. Now, I do talk to people. Don't get me wrong, I do have best friends that I share things with. But...I feel like I either can't share everything or I get jipped with answers like, "well, God knows what he's doing"...........really? that's the best I get? I give you two hours and I get "God knows what he's doing"? I KNOW HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING!!! *huff* It's hard for me though, talk to people about all my problems. I don't want people to know, I don't feel like they should, want to, or care to. And if they say they care- they're faking it. Ugh. I have so many trust issues. I guess I need to work all these out before I become a counselor don't I?

I leave in 2 days. It's hard to believe that the summer has already ended. So much has happened yet nothing has. I feel different, look the same, and can't wait to keep moving.

I'm done. done with this entry, done with trying to push things along, done thinking things that weren't true, done hoping for the impossible, done worrying about the possibility, and done trying to find myself.

ta.

Holiness, holiness, is what I long for...

I JUST HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY!!!!
for starters:

I'm trying so hard to not be angry, hostile, resentful, and bitter. I'm trying REALLY hard.. but sometimes- you just want to yell at someone "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID?!" but I can't. It's not my place, it's not even my problem. But it is when it effects the people I love. I guess, the people that make me feel this way, are the people I need to stay away from. Even in conversation. I can't handle knowing someone has hurt someone else.... someone I care about. I want to fix it, I want to change it, and I want them to be hurt...maybe more physical than anything else. Which is wrong, totally wrong. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT!!! sometimes you just wanna punch someone in the face!! haha

School is only in a few days. It's so bittersweet. I have so much to do between packing/organizing, on top of working 8 hours everyday, on top of trying to connect with people before I leave. *huff*. But I can't lie, I kinda like the busy-ness of it. Keeps my mind going, stops it from thinking too much. Plus I've lost 9 pounds so that's not too shabby. But, after connecting with people, I don't want to leave... :( I want to stay here and KEEP connecting. I've finally gotten close to certain people, I've straightened out what has turned into a beautiful friendship, I'm FINALLY getting into my own at work, and I almost feel like I'm walking into this semester completely unprepared (spiritually). I know something is going to happen. Something life changing. I can feel it, sense it, smell it. It's like right before a storm. The sky gets dark, the air gets thick, the trees start to blow. Then it pours. I don't know if it's going to be a good pouring or a bad pouring... but it hasn't rained in awhile and I know that i know that i know....something is on the horizon.

Recently, in my past posts, I often refer to a friend that I've had "feelings" for (that were never mutual) for quite some time now (5 years now to be exact - almost to the day... but who's counting?). In those posts I continuously put myself out there..well, I'm past it :) I can say that in total contentment and peace. WHY i'm over it? No idea... but it's of God and I'm completely fine with that decision. I need this, this "me-time" with God. Just he and I. I've forgotten what it meant to rely on him [thanks becky :)] and now's better than ever!!

The best thing is... I know i'm not alone in these...........adventures :)

I can feel you, flowing through me...

I wish I could go back in time to when you cheated on me... so I wouldn't be so bitter.
I wish I could go back in time to when you said you'd make it feel better... so I could trust easier.
I wish I could go back in time to when you said you wanted a relationship... so I could be more sensitive.
I wish I could go back in time to when you pushed me away... so I could see the lie behind your eyes.
I wish I could go back in time to when you started complimenting me, spending more time with me, saying things in my ear, knowing what to do or say to make me listen to you... so I wouldn't hate myself so much.

But if it weren't for all the douche bags in my life... I wouldn't have grown as much as I have. I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't have these stories to share with other in my many situations. And I wouldn't have the friends that support me no matter what stupid decision I make.

I'm glad you cheated on me... now I know forgiveness.
I'm glad you couldn't keep a promise... now I know self-preservation.
I'm glad you wanted something more... now I know that I'm not ready.
I'm glad you pushed me away... now I know the players from the real men.
I'm glad you were such a fake, jerk, idiot, and low-life... now I know what I don't want.

:)