I'm blessed beyond comprehension.
my friends
my family
... everything...
it's more than I deserve!! and the only think I can do, is better myself to BE deserving.

Thank you Lord. For reminding me of how gracious and loving you are.

like it. love it. need it.

So much is happening around me. So many people are confused, hurt, upset, alone, feeling rejected and yet I'm supposed to be finding contentment? I'm supposed to be working and finding myself?! Why do that? Why watch everyone else go through life continuously getting hurt and say "well, God has a reason" yet expect my problems to be fixed? Sometimes I feel so guilty in asking for the things I need when everyone deserves them so much quicker. And why do the people who don't deserve the answers, get them? And why do the ones who on faithful again and again and believe and trust.... are put through the trials?

I'm so tired. Emotionally and physically. I love talking to people, listening to their problems, trying to help them, all that. It just gets heavy sometimes. Especially when I have to deal with my own stuff. That's almost what it feels like. Like, there are people that talk to me about their burdens and struggles and I take them, talk them out, pray for them, all that stuff. But there isn't anyone that I can do that with. Now, I do talk to people. Don't get me wrong, I do have best friends that I share things with. But...I feel like I either can't share everything or I get jipped with answers like, "well, God knows what he's doing"...........really? that's the best I get? I give you two hours and I get "God knows what he's doing"? I KNOW HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING!!! *huff* It's hard for me though, talk to people about all my problems. I don't want people to know, I don't feel like they should, want to, or care to. And if they say they care- they're faking it. Ugh. I have so many trust issues. I guess I need to work all these out before I become a counselor don't I?

I leave in 2 days. It's hard to believe that the summer has already ended. So much has happened yet nothing has. I feel different, look the same, and can't wait to keep moving.

I'm done. done with this entry, done with trying to push things along, done thinking things that weren't true, done hoping for the impossible, done worrying about the possibility, and done trying to find myself.

ta.

Holiness, holiness, is what I long for...

I JUST HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY!!!!
for starters:

I'm trying so hard to not be angry, hostile, resentful, and bitter. I'm trying REALLY hard.. but sometimes- you just want to yell at someone "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID?!" but I can't. It's not my place, it's not even my problem. But it is when it effects the people I love. I guess, the people that make me feel this way, are the people I need to stay away from. Even in conversation. I can't handle knowing someone has hurt someone else.... someone I care about. I want to fix it, I want to change it, and I want them to be hurt...maybe more physical than anything else. Which is wrong, totally wrong. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT!!! sometimes you just wanna punch someone in the face!! haha

School is only in a few days. It's so bittersweet. I have so much to do between packing/organizing, on top of working 8 hours everyday, on top of trying to connect with people before I leave. *huff*. But I can't lie, I kinda like the busy-ness of it. Keeps my mind going, stops it from thinking too much. Plus I've lost 9 pounds so that's not too shabby. But, after connecting with people, I don't want to leave... :( I want to stay here and KEEP connecting. I've finally gotten close to certain people, I've straightened out what has turned into a beautiful friendship, I'm FINALLY getting into my own at work, and I almost feel like I'm walking into this semester completely unprepared (spiritually). I know something is going to happen. Something life changing. I can feel it, sense it, smell it. It's like right before a storm. The sky gets dark, the air gets thick, the trees start to blow. Then it pours. I don't know if it's going to be a good pouring or a bad pouring... but it hasn't rained in awhile and I know that i know that i know....something is on the horizon.

Recently, in my past posts, I often refer to a friend that I've had "feelings" for (that were never mutual) for quite some time now (5 years now to be exact - almost to the day... but who's counting?). In those posts I continuously put myself out there..well, I'm past it :) I can say that in total contentment and peace. WHY i'm over it? No idea... but it's of God and I'm completely fine with that decision. I need this, this "me-time" with God. Just he and I. I've forgotten what it meant to rely on him [thanks becky :)] and now's better than ever!!

The best thing is... I know i'm not alone in these...........adventures :)

I can feel you, flowing through me...

I wish I could go back in time to when you cheated on me... so I wouldn't be so bitter.
I wish I could go back in time to when you said you'd make it feel better... so I could trust easier.
I wish I could go back in time to when you said you wanted a relationship... so I could be more sensitive.
I wish I could go back in time to when you pushed me away... so I could see the lie behind your eyes.
I wish I could go back in time to when you started complimenting me, spending more time with me, saying things in my ear, knowing what to do or say to make me listen to you... so I wouldn't hate myself so much.

But if it weren't for all the douche bags in my life... I wouldn't have grown as much as I have. I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't have these stories to share with other in my many situations. And I wouldn't have the friends that support me no matter what stupid decision I make.

I'm glad you cheated on me... now I know forgiveness.
I'm glad you couldn't keep a promise... now I know self-preservation.
I'm glad you wanted something more... now I know that I'm not ready.
I'm glad you pushed me away... now I know the players from the real men.
I'm glad you were such a fake, jerk, idiot, and low-life... now I know what I don't want.

:)

reaching the single digits.

I only have 12 days left of summer vacation. 9 of those 12 are spent at work. the other 3 are already full of things to do. Even the days i DO work, I'm still going to be very busy when I get off work with packing and getting things ready for school. I'd hate to leave my family but I'm so ready to get away from working at a place I hate and start back up with Nicole. I miss enjoying my job.

Things are going to be so different. I can just tell. This fall semester, things are going to be vastly different than they were last year, perhaps that's a good thing. We'll see I guess. But I'm excited to see what's going to happen. I have a feeling friendships will be altered and built, my relationship with God with thrive, and I'll finally find myself :)

I'm moving forward... I can already feel the steps being taken by my heart. I'm not doing it for anyone other than myself. It's not even to reach the outcome - it's for the now. It's so that I'm limiting myself or God in my life as well as restricting what I think I myself can do. Like I said...I think this is a good thing...

I don't know what to think anymore...

i can't just forget him. Even though I want to grow past this -it's so hard. But... all things are possible... so, we'll see. This is for me. not him. i just need this change...

i miss my best friends, i miss my dorm room, i miss campus, i miss the job i love, i miss knowing my best friends are so close to me. i hate these last couples days of summer...the waiting. especially having to be at a job that i hate so much. I hate thinking about going there everyday and i DRED having to come home just to torture myself THERE. I'm praying starbucks works out. I need something other than doing it only for the money. Since when does 9.25 an hour mean i have to be miserable? UUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

jauglkjbfGLFJRNOGIJNOSJGJRPGSKJPRGIJANOGRJMO;WEIRJ

....thats what i think about that...

done. sooo done.

yup. i'm done. 4 years? screw it. I'm done. its a waste of time. there is... no point.
i'm only hurting myself because it's OBVIOUSLY one-sided and you yourself said it has to be mutual. which it obviously isn't. After seeing the girls you date and the ones you call "hot"... i OBVIOUSLY don't fit. And apparently i'm not good enough so- I'm saving myself the rest of my life and I'm done. Date who want, do what you want with your life because I'll be doing the same.

I can't change things, I can't force you and I don't want to. It'd hurt more to have someone that doesn't even want to be there. So, I'm saving myself ALL the hurt and taking myself out of the equation completely. Best friends are supposed to be able to tell each other everything and know the other person so well that they can read their thoughts without even looking at them but I can't tell you the biggest part of my life and i feel like I don't even know you.

since I'm done.....