But...

"advance the clock to see how far it's gonna go." -Eric Hutchinson, "Rock & Roll"
Yes, please. Let's do that. It's like.. the longest 3 weeks of my life. Like nothing's happening yet in my mind and in my heart.. it it. My heart keeps telling me it will continue but my mind keeps saying it's over. See?! There's my problem. My mind rewinds back to my past when I've been cheated, betrayed, lied to, and made a fool. But it's like my heart knows something that it's not telling my head. AND the analytical, over-thinker, control-freak in my mind keeps wanting to blow over and EXPLODE everything with the 'woman scorned' inside... But.... I wanna listen to my heart. For once.
Sunday was a revelation. Pastor Hezlop interpreted a word and said not to believe the spirit of fear and doubt. WOW. I need to stop doubting God and his plans for my life. When my uncle prophesied over me to rely on God's direction, I listened to God and advanced a little in his kingdom. Now that I've continued listening to him I've starting... there it is, OVER-THINKING and started doubting what I'm doing. HCC is where God has directed me. It's where I need to be. For reasons unknown to me. For all I know it's simply academic. But even still.. His will.
That's what it's all about. HIS will. Not mine. And it's really all I want. I can't live life on my own. I'll screw it up. He's much better at it.
I don't think I feel like crying anymore...