I'm goin' off the rails of the crazy train

Now, more than ever... my family needs guidance and faith. Sometimes things get so rough we lose focus of who is truly holding us and all situations in His hands. He knows... He'll provide... He remains...

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It's odd.. finding such....... contentment?... amidst such rubble. It's like sitting on a huge pile or rocks, stones, and trash yet feeling comfortable. It's amazing and at the same time, hard not to feel guilty. I shouldn't feel like this. I shouldn't be happy when my family is suffering. I shouldn't be okay knowing someone else knows my future and that's all I can depend on. Or should I? Perhaps I'm the only one that sees it, perhaps I'm the one that knows the least. But with the faith of a mustard seed....

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I cannot thank God enough for what he's given me. I have the best parents in the world. Though times are rough and things are uncertain... they would give up anything for their children. I can securely say, without a shadow of a doubt, that we are first. We are above them on their priority list. It sickens me to think I take advantage of that and it saddens me to know they don't just think of themselves sometimes. But it's comforting to know such love. My sister - she's my best friend. Words can't describe the blessing she is. That's all I can say. And I seriously have the greatest little brother ever. He's only 14 and probably has a stronger relationship with God than I do. It's amazing to see God working through him and touching peoples lives, touching my life. My brother-in-law loves my sister unconditionally and takes care of her and that's all I can ask for. Sometimes I wish he and I had a better relationship, but the one we have is still growing. Alysa Jade is the best niece anyone could ask for. It's cliche to have an aunt say that but seriously, she's the most amazing little girl ever. She's only 7 months and can comfort anyone and heal any broken heart...

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"My friends are better than your friends"... mine are indeed. Meridyth freaking Lanza is probably the best friend I could have ever.... EVER asked for. Through thick and thicker, she's been there. She lived HOURS away... and was still closer than anyone else. Not only does she live closer, but we share a bathroom. She's an amazing person and pushes me constantly (without even knowing it) to be a better person. In the short 9 months we've lived together, I've learned so much about myself and other people that I'm not sure I want to live the NEXT 9 months with her. ;) (jk jk). She's taught me about true integrity and real honesty... I love her to death. (<

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And to the ones I haven't even met yet... I pray for constantly. I'm anxious to be at that point in my life where these people are involved, but I'm not rushing it. Taking my stride at a time and loving the process is something I'm constantly learning. Instead of loving the rush of air through my hair, I'm learning to love the slow squish of the earth beneath my feet. (which is ironic because I hate being barefoot outside). 

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*ahhhh :)

Roses are red. Violets are blue.

It's really easy to be bitter or become resentful. But it's so much more rewarding to be happy and excited. Yes... my best friend is engaged :) She's so young, but I'm so happy for her. I never thought she'd be getting married this young, but she's happy and he's the one, why wait? I'm so happy that her and I stayed close and that I'm apart of this. It's an exciting event in someone's life and I'm apart of my best friends big event :)

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Seeing guys in a relationship, is endearing. Seeing a guy want to be with a girl, want to be near her, hug her, hold her, kiss her. It's cute. You usually think of guys are strong, independent, and such. But when a guy falls in love, they totally change. It's adorable!

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Sometimes there are things in life that you wish would just happen already but you can't control them. It's times like this I typically fall apart because I don't have control of the situation and I can't see the future. When I'm traveling somewhere, I like to know at least 2 steps ahead so I can prepare myself. But when you can't see the next few steps ahead and you aren't allowed to use a GPS or Mapquest, you have to rely on your "heavenly" navigation system to direct you... which gets hard and frustrating :( But, thankfully my navigator is patient with me :)

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I need guidance. It's hard to not look back and wonder "...if things were different?" It's especially hard to not think about it and dream of how things COULD be. But, I have to stop longing for the past. UGH! lots of work ahead of me.

Lord prepare me. To be a Sanctuary.

I want to cry. Everyday gets so hard to face. I know there's something out there, but it's hard to face each moment not knowing what's going to happen next. And I don't want to be the girl that whines and complains about because she's not happy with where she is in life. I want to be the girl that is happy and content and just flowing. It's even harder when  I'm surrounded by people that are where I want to be. I'm happy for my friends, I truly am. But I want to be happy. I hate going at every day with the view that it'll happen someday, there's someone out there for me, he'll be so worth it. It's depressing. I especially don't want pity. People don't know what I'm feeling or thinking. They don't care that I'm so miserable about where I am in life right now. They happy where they are so why give a rip that I'm not there? They can't relate. Yeah, sure they may have been single before - but they aren't now. and they weren't for as long as I have been. 

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6 years. It's been 6 years. The last memory imbedded in my mind about a relationship was finding out over the phone that I was just cheated on. Is that how it's supposed to end for me? Am I SUPPOSED to walk around not trusting people for anything? I don't want to. I don't like it. It hurts being so defensive. It's tiring questioning everything. It would be so much easier to just believe what everyone says and trust that "love" is real or that I can fully trust one person with everything I have. But I can't. I keep holding onto my falsehood, my lies, my deception. IT'S NOT FAIR!! I don't want this!! I didn't ask for it!!

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I just want this to be over. This period in my life. I want to move on... so badly...

If I've ever done something or thought something crazy - its usually just because I care. There are so many people, so many possibilities, and so many reasons not to entertain the idea, yet I can't help it because it sounds like a good thought. There are times I feel it'd be perfect, make sense... and other times where I think to myself, "would it even work though?" but if it makes sense - wouldn't that mean it'd work itself out? It's hard to let things go - it's hard to allow someone else control things that sometimes put themselves right in front of me. Is it God putting these opportunities in front of me or is it the devil putting false hope in my face? It's hard to distinguish and it's harder to resist. I'm finding that the more I screw up, the longer it's going to take until I get what I'm supposed to have. Will I stop fighting and surrender? or will I continue trying out my own options?

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I sometimes find myself settling for happiness as opposed to waiting for complete contentment. Settling is sometimes natural, sometimes expected, and even sometimes something you have to do in order to reach a greater prize. But do I have to constantly settle over and over. Perhaps, I've mistaken settling for content. perhaps I've become content in settling. So, here's to pressing on.

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mmm

I'm going, I'm staying. I'm bored, I'm content. I'm frustrated, It's his. So many things are changing around me and in me that I just don't know if I can withstand it all. I thought for sure I was going to be leaving Valley Forge. I thought I had a peace about leaving and never looking back. I was so sick of feeling stuck, feeling stagnant. And I was done trying. I was done looking. But God stepped in and eased it all. He has called me here for a purpose. I need to be here, to learn, to grow, and to become what he wants me to be. Instead of wanting to put my feet in different waters to see where I wanted to go, I need to let him lead me to the path I'm to take. Becoming frustrated with how things are turning out is pointless when He has it all mapped out. It's amazing to know that He has my life planned out - good and bad. He gives me a choice, tells me what to pick, and loves me still if I choose the wrong one. And He waits. He waits for me to realize what I've done is wrong... *ahh*... 

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Be Thou My Vision

So much going on. Do I stay at school, do I leave? Do I register for classes or forget and think about community college? Do I make this meeting with Dr. Meyer or do I do what I thought I was supposed to do? I have to trust. I have to believe that God is behind all of this. And if he isn't, he'll let me know... I have to believe...

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On a not-so-brighter-note, I'm sick of trusting people that just prove that I shouldn't trust them. It wasn't even a big deal or an issue and you had to go and make ME get involved? The people on this campus are a HUGE reason why I don't want to stay here. They walk around like they know who they are and who others are. UGH! God needs to give them a huge slap in a the face.

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so done with this.

outty.

Jenn 2.0

Things are looking up and up. It's amazing how things work out, how God works. It's just... I can't comprehend. Amazing... ahh!! 

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Ever since that *glorious* sunday night things have just been different. I'm not stressing as hard, I'm not as tense. I'm just trusting :) and it feels great to know that I don't have to worry about my future or where I'll be. I mean, yes I of course I'll have involvement but I'm not stressing like I used to.

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 :)