Tattoo... ain't so new.

Every time I look down at my foot, I'm reminded of who I am and how I got here. It's amazing to have my life, my soul, my essence on display on my foot in a different language.
How many other people can say their tattoos really mean something? Something so deep that it literally stems from their skin. What's more of "you" than your own skin? After all... skin is what my very own is about.

Many of you... well.... no one reads this so it may just be in vain. Regardless, my fascination with this particular tattoo stems from when I was 15. For reasons that are now no longer important, I sank into a depression that lasted 4 years. I began to cut myself on both my arms and in places still concealed. There's a sick, twisted release that came from it. Like my own personal hell was bleeding out and I was free from it. But, that of course, didn't stick. I never imagined it would have happened as often and for as long as it did. The longer I dealt with it, the more psychological it became. I would hyperventilate in my dorm room, alone, feeling helpless. I had tried calling for help but it's like there were hands around my neck keeping me from speaking. I remember often laying there, on the floor completely paralyzed and not being able to do anything but clutch my knees and cry. I never once thought I would be free or find help.
Through counseling and through pushing myself, I did. I found the light at the end of the tunnel and thus developed my own passion to help others do the same. That's when I also heard about To Write Love On Her Arms. An organization dedicated to my very own poison. I fell in love with the stories, the cause, the outreach, the purpose. TWLOHA's "tag" or "slogan" if you will, is "Rescue is Possible". Such a simple phrase gives such HOPE to those struggling to reach the place I've achieved. It's possible... being rescued, finding freedom, is POSSIBLE.
I researched Hebrew and found the correct symbols and put together my first tattoo. "Rescue is Possible" in Hebrew is now a permanent testament to my trials. But also a mobile soap box to stand on and share the hope I've found.

It's more than ink to me... it's who I am.

rejection is even worse when they don't know you.

I feel so stupid for feeling hurt and rejected. I didn't even know the guy. But I think that makes it worse. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know my humor, my family, my friends, my desires, my call. I wasn't given the opportunity to have a chance. I know God has someone for me.... BLAH FREAKING BLAH!! I know that!! I've KNOWN that.... STOP FREAKING SAYING IT!!! all that says to me is that there's something wrong with me that I don't deserve him now. Something about me isn't good enough for him. It's not a feel good phrase. It stings. so, please stop saying it.

I don't really know if I'm ready for this. For being vulnerable- showing people "I'm ready for commitment, please see through my soul and decide from there if I'm material". How is that good for someone with already dismal self esteem.

ugh, i hate myself. goodnight.

Thanks Bob.. for lookin' out for the ladies...

I found this.... and absolutely love it.
"you may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect- you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break- her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know what she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there." -Bob Marley

Isn't that what life and love is about? Not being perfect, not being flawless, not eve being those things TOGETHER but it's about finding that person that keeps you human, makes you want to improve, and who complements you. All a girl, all I can ask for is someone who does that. Someone who tells me when I screw up, when I'm irritating, when I'm wrong, and what I can do to change. I don't want to be found perfect in someone I just want to be me. I'm complete in no other person but God. But I do believe I can be happy in a man.

I will find it. He is out there. God has a reason for everything and though I'm occasionally VERY impatient, I can trust in his timing. All things work out for those who trust :)

So, me.. the girl that has been hurt countless times, the girl that is more used to doubt then self assurance, the girl that is trying to hard to find herself.... the girl that cant even trust herself sometimes..... is trusting God for everything in her life. This girl, is becoming a true woman of God. finally :)

Turning into someone I never thought I'd be.

The other day I did something I never thought I would actually do. I've thought about it. Every time I hear about it, I think of it for awhile afterwards. I want to make fun of those that do it- but secretly I wish I were them. Even though I WANTED to believe they were stooping to a level I was too good for, I knew they had the courage I lacked.
Well, I am one of them now. I can't poke fun anymore. (Am I saying "I" alot? feels like I am... *hmph*). Regardless, things are going to be different. A new chapter is starting and the pages are already turning. My story is being written!! No more footnotes, no more spell check. and no more re writes. The story is starting to flow, the plot is thickening and it's going to start getting good!
There aren't any hesitations, I'm not feeling any doubts. For the first time in a very long time all there is to feel is peace... contentment. Content with the steps being taken and confidence they are what God is having me do. As my sister said this afternoon. we have the ability to take the initiative. Well IT'S TAKEN! I'm game, I'm all in.
Ya know, I'm going to eat my words I said earlier (I could just delete it and re write it but I'm too lazy and it's really late). This isn't a new chapter, it's an entirely new book. I'm no longer the author. It's Jesus. I'm FINALLY handing over the quill and letting HIM take over. I've done a horrible job at trying to write my own story and no one is reading it. I'm more excited to read the story myself, as it's going along as opposed to read the back cover.
It's already working out pretty well... I will keep you updated... whoever "you" are. Since I don't have readers.

Bangs..

All my friends are together, on one campus. I'm here, at home. It's hard to not sink into a depression and it's difficult to keep my head above water. I'm really praying that God sends something or someone to keep me here, where the humans are.
My best friend of 20 years is there without a suitmate and I'm here without my own bathroom. I wish I were there. I wish it was in God's will. I'm finding it very challenging... this... being on my own raft. I'm used to a cruise boat, with lots of people.
My best friend of 4 years is there again. And I'm pretty sure he's already forgotten about me. While we were both home we saw each other nearly every day. Now.. he could probably go weeks without talking to me. I understand that he's with his friends now... but... well, maybe I'm who I thought I was in his life.

I feel very alone. I feel vulnerable. Unsure. Confused. Anxious. Tired. Stressed. Worried.
I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. But also like I'm losing a lot.

In the first place..

I'm not giving up.
I'm just not holding out for something that isn't going to happen. Why would I sit around waiting and hoping that he'll look my way when he's obviously too busy still thinking about his past and what he "lost"... sorry, but I'm something to gain. As well as, I'm not going to count my chickens before they hatch. Meaning- I'm not going to sit and listen to a girl go on and on about her brother and how perfect we are for each other when I've never even met the guy.
In a perfect world, a cinematic world... those are all perfect story lines for a new chick flick or a romantic comedy.. but it isn't real life. Set-ups, don't work out. Blind dates are more traumatic than beneficial, and pining is called desperate.
That's it people- I'm your breath of fresh bitterness and reality when it comes to anything "romantic"... at least... media birthed. It's painful to think... that some people (including myself) may never have that 'happy ending' that we've been told we'll have. But at the same time... it's freeing. People wonder why I don't always do my makeup or always do my hair.. because that's not real. Underneath- I'm not a even toned, flawless, bone straightened, frizz free, maximum shine person. I have break outs, my hair is a HOT mess when I don't dry it right, and my eyes aren't perfectly lined with a naturally complimenting tone to my eyes.
It gets really frustrating when people don't see that. When they expect to you hold up to this charade just to please... what?! the false eye?!?!
If someone is going to 'love' me, if a man thinks he's worth it... it will be when my hair isn't washed, I'm in my forge pants, and I just ate dinner... because yes... WOMAN DO EAT!
I am me.
no one else.
nothing more.
Just a girl, getting through life, learning the ropes, and feeling the hurt along the way. I'm not trying to do anything more than live. And that's what I'll do. Regardless of what people say, do, think, or try to impress upon me and even... who they are. Change is good, but not conformity. I don't dig it.

I'm at a loss

I really don't know what to do. Someone whom I once thought was a best friend is sneaking behind my back. I thought I was learning trust but apparently, I was wrong. It's sad, frustrating, and so infuriating. To be "women of God" isn't to gossip... backstab... lie... it's so hurtful. It proves over and over that people can't be trusted. Even those that call themselves friends. Ugh. I'm 22, I shouldn't have this stupid drama.

Every guy I think is is, or like... "I'm not looking for a relationship right now." "I'm focusing on school right now." Is it God trying to tell me something? Or are they just the wrong guys? I'm trying. I'm slowly giving up. It's just hard. After 8 years, it starts to wear on you. ugh...