Thanks Bob.. for lookin' out for the ladies...

I found this.... and absolutely love it.
"you may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect- you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break- her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know what she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there." -Bob Marley

Isn't that what life and love is about? Not being perfect, not being flawless, not eve being those things TOGETHER but it's about finding that person that keeps you human, makes you want to improve, and who complements you. All a girl, all I can ask for is someone who does that. Someone who tells me when I screw up, when I'm irritating, when I'm wrong, and what I can do to change. I don't want to be found perfect in someone I just want to be me. I'm complete in no other person but God. But I do believe I can be happy in a man.

I will find it. He is out there. God has a reason for everything and though I'm occasionally VERY impatient, I can trust in his timing. All things work out for those who trust :)

So, me.. the girl that has been hurt countless times, the girl that is more used to doubt then self assurance, the girl that is trying to hard to find herself.... the girl that cant even trust herself sometimes..... is trusting God for everything in her life. This girl, is becoming a true woman of God. finally :)

Turning into someone I never thought I'd be.

The other day I did something I never thought I would actually do. I've thought about it. Every time I hear about it, I think of it for awhile afterwards. I want to make fun of those that do it- but secretly I wish I were them. Even though I WANTED to believe they were stooping to a level I was too good for, I knew they had the courage I lacked.
Well, I am one of them now. I can't poke fun anymore. (Am I saying "I" alot? feels like I am... *hmph*). Regardless, things are going to be different. A new chapter is starting and the pages are already turning. My story is being written!! No more footnotes, no more spell check. and no more re writes. The story is starting to flow, the plot is thickening and it's going to start getting good!
There aren't any hesitations, I'm not feeling any doubts. For the first time in a very long time all there is to feel is peace... contentment. Content with the steps being taken and confidence they are what God is having me do. As my sister said this afternoon. we have the ability to take the initiative. Well IT'S TAKEN! I'm game, I'm all in.
Ya know, I'm going to eat my words I said earlier (I could just delete it and re write it but I'm too lazy and it's really late). This isn't a new chapter, it's an entirely new book. I'm no longer the author. It's Jesus. I'm FINALLY handing over the quill and letting HIM take over. I've done a horrible job at trying to write my own story and no one is reading it. I'm more excited to read the story myself, as it's going along as opposed to read the back cover.
It's already working out pretty well... I will keep you updated... whoever "you" are. Since I don't have readers.

Bangs..

All my friends are together, on one campus. I'm here, at home. It's hard to not sink into a depression and it's difficult to keep my head above water. I'm really praying that God sends something or someone to keep me here, where the humans are.
My best friend of 20 years is there without a suitmate and I'm here without my own bathroom. I wish I were there. I wish it was in God's will. I'm finding it very challenging... this... being on my own raft. I'm used to a cruise boat, with lots of people.
My best friend of 4 years is there again. And I'm pretty sure he's already forgotten about me. While we were both home we saw each other nearly every day. Now.. he could probably go weeks without talking to me. I understand that he's with his friends now... but... well, maybe I'm who I thought I was in his life.

I feel very alone. I feel vulnerable. Unsure. Confused. Anxious. Tired. Stressed. Worried.
I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. But also like I'm losing a lot.

In the first place..

I'm not giving up.
I'm just not holding out for something that isn't going to happen. Why would I sit around waiting and hoping that he'll look my way when he's obviously too busy still thinking about his past and what he "lost"... sorry, but I'm something to gain. As well as, I'm not going to count my chickens before they hatch. Meaning- I'm not going to sit and listen to a girl go on and on about her brother and how perfect we are for each other when I've never even met the guy.
In a perfect world, a cinematic world... those are all perfect story lines for a new chick flick or a romantic comedy.. but it isn't real life. Set-ups, don't work out. Blind dates are more traumatic than beneficial, and pining is called desperate.
That's it people- I'm your breath of fresh bitterness and reality when it comes to anything "romantic"... at least... media birthed. It's painful to think... that some people (including myself) may never have that 'happy ending' that we've been told we'll have. But at the same time... it's freeing. People wonder why I don't always do my makeup or always do my hair.. because that's not real. Underneath- I'm not a even toned, flawless, bone straightened, frizz free, maximum shine person. I have break outs, my hair is a HOT mess when I don't dry it right, and my eyes aren't perfectly lined with a naturally complimenting tone to my eyes.
It gets really frustrating when people don't see that. When they expect to you hold up to this charade just to please... what?! the false eye?!?!
If someone is going to 'love' me, if a man thinks he's worth it... it will be when my hair isn't washed, I'm in my forge pants, and I just ate dinner... because yes... WOMAN DO EAT!
I am me.
no one else.
nothing more.
Just a girl, getting through life, learning the ropes, and feeling the hurt along the way. I'm not trying to do anything more than live. And that's what I'll do. Regardless of what people say, do, think, or try to impress upon me and even... who they are. Change is good, but not conformity. I don't dig it.

I'm at a loss

I really don't know what to do. Someone whom I once thought was a best friend is sneaking behind my back. I thought I was learning trust but apparently, I was wrong. It's sad, frustrating, and so infuriating. To be "women of God" isn't to gossip... backstab... lie... it's so hurtful. It proves over and over that people can't be trusted. Even those that call themselves friends. Ugh. I'm 22, I shouldn't have this stupid drama.

Every guy I think is is, or like... "I'm not looking for a relationship right now." "I'm focusing on school right now." Is it God trying to tell me something? Or are they just the wrong guys? I'm trying. I'm slowly giving up. It's just hard. After 8 years, it starts to wear on you. ugh...

the importance of feeling loved...

I know i'm loved by God, I know i'm loved by family, and i know my friends do- at least some of them. but it's been about 8 years since the last time someone said it, and i felt it. I never understood the power of that word. It can make a person feel affirmed in who they are. Make them want to be the best they can be. Give them the sense of belonging they can't get anywhere else. Try living without it once you've had it. It's hard.
I'm left questioning myself, doubting every thought, every move. I act irrationally, think emotionally. I want it again. I hate feeling unappreciated. especially unloved.
it's as if I do everything, all the appreciating and affirming. Maybe thats why people keep me around.
a plant can only produce so much fruit without being watered and nurtured. Soon, this dying plant won't be able to give anymore because it's all been taken.

that's all i have...

coffee pressed stress

i just loooove feeling excluded.
it's partly due to my own actions, I guess. but.... walking out of my room, down the hall into someone elses room and SHUTTING THE DOOR... alittle much for my taste. Closing both bathroom doors and inviting everyone in your room... again, not my taste. Oh, and I love being ignored. saying hi to everyone, asking about everyones weekend... OH! and LIED to! now THAT'S a good one!

Ugh, it's been really stressful lately. papers, presentations.... cousins. I guess I thought that word meant something. I'm not mad, at all- which is kinda weird. I'm just.... beyond hurt. I want to cry every time I think of the situation. I'm just SO unbelievably hurt, beyond words. I've been lied to before but not so blatant. I suppose it was meant to happen then... not being friends with my cousin.

Today is Nathaniel Drew's birthday :) my bestest friend in the whole widest of worlds without a shadow of a doubt. But, I'm not texting him until 11:59 tonight. hehehe... yeah right. I say that but I know that I won't follow through with it. *sigh*... he got me a french coffee press for my birthday :D... so unbelievably UNnecessary but I'm so unbelievably grateful. I can't wait to make my first cup of pressed coffee!! :) Now I feel alittle bad that all I got him was a gift card and a thermos :( I tried finding something else!! nothing was good enough :( I suck as a friend haha although... it's a really nice thermos if I do say so myself. His coffee was STEAMING hot after a few HOURS!!! but still, nothing tops a coffee press. He won't have to get me anything for my birthday or Christmas so long as we're both friends BECAUSE OF the coffee press. that's how much I love it. :) okay, now that I'm done gushing about my banging new press :D hehe

Last night on the way back to school with Meridyth we were listening to Michael Gungor's song Prodigal. WOW... I've always loved that song but once you REALLY listen to it.. WOW.... I wanted to cry SO bad because I realized so much in just 6 minutes and 6 seconds (the length of the song for those that may be confused). the first verse goes:
"I’ve tasted Your glory and I left it there.
Your poured out Your Spirit and I didn’t care.
Still you loved me

I’ve lived for myself with nobody to blame.
I took what You gave me and squandered Your grace.
Still You loved me."
... how true? I KNOW I'm not a perfect Christian, no one is. But "I left it there", "I didn't care" "I lived for myself" and "i took what you gave me and squandered your grace".... I'm guilty. I've been given SO much and yet I'm so unappreciative. the KING OF KINGS.... LORD OF LORD... the stinking SON OF GOD!!! loves me, died for me, and has given me GRACE for my mistakes.. GRACE!!! lets look up what grace is quick...the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. favor. we have FAVOR with God. it's freely given. He knows he's going to give it to us before we even ask for it!! It's like.... like it's a piece of candy just sitting on a table, in the open. If we stop... I don't know, kicking the dog and say we're sorry, we can have the piece of candy (kicking the dog is the sin, the piece of candy is grace, and the person we're saying we're sorry to is God for those we were confused). And regardless if we say we're sorry or stop kicking the dog, the piece of candy is STILL there. even if we flush the goldfish down the toilet. We can still have the piece of candy if we are truly sorry. AMAZING!!! I still don't quite understand it. How can kicking the dog and flushing the fish BOTH be forgivable?!?! I mean, obviously both seem permissible to us because they aren't TERRIBLE... but if kicking the dog was equivalent to not obeying the speed limit and flushing the fish was being a homosexual or cheating on your spouse... does it sound so permissible now? That's the part I don't understand. I know God forgives me for saying some of the things I say to or about people... but the things I've done in the past that I haven't forgiven MYSELF for yet... I can still have that piece of candy if I want. *sigh*... I just love Jesus so much....
okay, here's the whole song. I STRONGLY suggest you (whoever is reading) look up the song and listen to it. It's beautiful...

I’ve tasted Your glory and I left it there.
Your poured out Your Spirit and I didn’t care.
Still you loved me

I’ve lived for myself with nobody to blame.
I took what You gave me and squandered Your grace.
Still You loved me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.

I could live for the broken and share in their pain.
I could die like a martyr or live like a saint just to love You.
I could sing like the angels and gather Your praise:
Be blessed beyond measure and give it away just to love You.
Still nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.

My heart has been broken; I’ve laid out my shame.
Because of Your mercy,
All I can say is I love You.
So I’ll tell of Your story
I’ll carry Your name
I’ll live for Your glory Lord,
I’ll share in Your pain just to love You.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.

Nothing can separate us
Nothing can separate us
Not death or life
Or depth or height
Or unseen power
Now or ever!