I can feel you, flowing through me...

I wish I could go back in time to when you cheated on me... so I wouldn't be so bitter.
I wish I could go back in time to when you said you'd make it feel better... so I could trust easier.
I wish I could go back in time to when you said you wanted a relationship... so I could be more sensitive.
I wish I could go back in time to when you pushed me away... so I could see the lie behind your eyes.
I wish I could go back in time to when you started complimenting me, spending more time with me, saying things in my ear, knowing what to do or say to make me listen to you... so I wouldn't hate myself so much.

But if it weren't for all the douche bags in my life... I wouldn't have grown as much as I have. I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't have these stories to share with other in my many situations. And I wouldn't have the friends that support me no matter what stupid decision I make.

I'm glad you cheated on me... now I know forgiveness.
I'm glad you couldn't keep a promise... now I know self-preservation.
I'm glad you wanted something more... now I know that I'm not ready.
I'm glad you pushed me away... now I know the players from the real men.
I'm glad you were such a fake, jerk, idiot, and low-life... now I know what I don't want.

:)

reaching the single digits.

I only have 12 days left of summer vacation. 9 of those 12 are spent at work. the other 3 are already full of things to do. Even the days i DO work, I'm still going to be very busy when I get off work with packing and getting things ready for school. I'd hate to leave my family but I'm so ready to get away from working at a place I hate and start back up with Nicole. I miss enjoying my job.

Things are going to be so different. I can just tell. This fall semester, things are going to be vastly different than they were last year, perhaps that's a good thing. We'll see I guess. But I'm excited to see what's going to happen. I have a feeling friendships will be altered and built, my relationship with God with thrive, and I'll finally find myself :)

I'm moving forward... I can already feel the steps being taken by my heart. I'm not doing it for anyone other than myself. It's not even to reach the outcome - it's for the now. It's so that I'm limiting myself or God in my life as well as restricting what I think I myself can do. Like I said...I think this is a good thing...

I don't know what to think anymore...

i can't just forget him. Even though I want to grow past this -it's so hard. But... all things are possible... so, we'll see. This is for me. not him. i just need this change...

i miss my best friends, i miss my dorm room, i miss campus, i miss the job i love, i miss knowing my best friends are so close to me. i hate these last couples days of summer...the waiting. especially having to be at a job that i hate so much. I hate thinking about going there everyday and i DRED having to come home just to torture myself THERE. I'm praying starbucks works out. I need something other than doing it only for the money. Since when does 9.25 an hour mean i have to be miserable? UUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

jauglkjbfGLFJRNOGIJNOSJGJRPGSKJPRGIJANOGRJMO;WEIRJ

....thats what i think about that...

done. sooo done.

yup. i'm done. 4 years? screw it. I'm done. its a waste of time. there is... no point.
i'm only hurting myself because it's OBVIOUSLY one-sided and you yourself said it has to be mutual. which it obviously isn't. After seeing the girls you date and the ones you call "hot"... i OBVIOUSLY don't fit. And apparently i'm not good enough so- I'm saving myself the rest of my life and I'm done. Date who want, do what you want with your life because I'll be doing the same.

I can't change things, I can't force you and I don't want to. It'd hurt more to have someone that doesn't even want to be there. So, I'm saving myself ALL the hurt and taking myself out of the equation completely. Best friends are supposed to be able to tell each other everything and know the other person so well that they can read their thoughts without even looking at them but I can't tell you the biggest part of my life and i feel like I don't even know you.

since I'm done.....

what you're lookin for has been here the whole time...

I'm growing so tired. My arms are becoming heavy and my shoulders are falling. My knees are shaking and I don't think my heart can take the rest.

There are times when I feel like a complete idiot about how I feel. And there are even times when my feelings are completely justified. But what makes everything worse is that you don't know. I need to talk it out with you, I need to know your stance, your thoughts, whether or not you'll hate me forever. But I've been put in this pain for 4 years, can't you suffer through an hour or two of talking?! No...and I don't blame you either.
I just...I have so many questions...what do you think? do you know? do you WANT to know? will things change? do you want them to change? have you never thought of me like that? will you ever? do you care? do you even understand? UGH!
It's hard to watch someone so close to your heart settle again and again and again when I've just been....sitting on the sidelines supporting them the entire time. It's like I cheering, "yeah! Go you and your new relationship that is slowly tearing me to pieces! WOO!" I think there comes a time when I need to stop cheering...stop coaching...maybe even leave the game so that I can be sure I'm not going to get hurt anymore.

He hurts me and doesn't know. He hurts me and yet...

I know what I need to do to grow. I have to get past my past bitterness so that I can move forward. And once I've moved forward I need to seek. And once I've become content in seeking and growing and learning... then God will mend my broken heart and wounded spirit.

After weeks of crying I thought I was over that... but, I guess I'm not.

If you would just open your eyes and put together the pieces.......UGH!

Under the boardwalk, down by the sea!

yes, i do have questions.
yes, there is something on my mind.
yes, there is a lot of stuff going on in my life.
can i tell you? no.
why not? because your the answer.

Chock-full of emotions...

I laugh to myself every I'm on facebook and I'm going to change my status. In the little box that you enter in, it says "what's on your mind?". Little does facebook know...

I have so much floating around up there. More than people know, more than anyone knows really. I'm an honest person and tell my best friends and family everything... but there are a few things that are just mine and Gods... things that, I don't want to know what other people think. Things that, it's confusing enough hearing my own thoughts, so I'll spare myself yours. I think everyone has those things that they keep to themselves. And to be completely honest, I think everyone lies when they say they tell someone "everything". As a human being, it's our nature to want to either remain private or know that we know something no one else knows. And, this may come as a surprise to most people who know me... but I'm a fairly private person. Now, don't take that out of context... yes, I have my best friends that I tell almost everything and I'm a very open person with my family...but when it comes to other people -they don't need to know everything. Not only do they not need to know it, but I don't want them to. Like facebook, everyone puts all there information up there for the entire world to search out and read up on. The relationship status' and school information to be exact. Just by taking 5 minutes to read over someone's facebook, I've learned if their single, gay, religious, political, where they live, how to reach them via cell or email, where they go to school, where at school they live, and who their best friends are... if that's not intrusive then I don't know what is. Seriously, there should be peeping tom laws. But all this to say... IF my relationship status ever changes - you'll never know unless your someone I care about... and where I live, you'll get the change of address card.. if we're close enough. Why are people so eager to be open with people they don't even know?!

tonight, I realized a lot of things...i need to stop doubting people, especially ones I care about. I feel gross thinking back on how I doubt my friendships thinking that I'm the only one that is in it. When we're hanging out - it's because we BOTH wanted to, not because I asked and they had nothing better to do. I also need to stop doubting the peace of God. Not quite sure how THAT one snuck up on me - but it has. I just need to keep reaffirming myself day in and day out.

UGH! I just have so much i want to just scream out and just SAY.... but online is NOT the place to say it!!
.......screw online....
********
I was really hurt by what you did. I felt like I was set up for being heartbroken and I had no warning. and it's not fair that I was led on for 7 months, thinking everything was great and progressing when *SLAM*... there was nothing to progress to begin with. I'm not trying to sound like I think I'm some amazing person that is a prize to be won, but I AM saying I'm a person with feelings and an actual heart inside that empty tank and it was crushed because of your actions. Or should I say lack there of? And when you say "but lets still be friends", mean it. and if you don't mean it - don't say it. Plan and simple. I don't want some bullcrap answer about someone else living 3 hours away with a boyfriend. You don't have to like me, that's okay!! It's been awhile since I've dated (if THAT'S what you want to call it) so this was my first time really letting my heart get involved. I swear off dating and guys for a reason. I set my standards for a reason. I have these ideas about "love" and "relationships" for reason.....because if you dont, you get hurt. And thats what you did to me. You made me trust you....my guard was down, my heart was open, and you spit in it's face. You made me a person for 7 months that I never wanted to be. I've only ever cried over 2 guys and you made yourself number 3. WE FIT! IT WORKED! and you junked it.... all of it. So from here on out - I'm over it.
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I wish you knew what you mean to me. I just wish that I could tell you everything I'm thinking and feeling and know you're not overwhelmed or freaked out. But most of all, I wish that it wouldn't mean I would lose you. I hate that my feelings are in constant limbo because of our friendship. Seeing you unhappy...tears me up. And seeing you settle- hurts even worse. Will you honestly think of every other possible person on this earth before me? Am I that repulsive? Can you really not stand me that much? I know we're close and I love our friendship, I adore it. but sometimes.... being your friend is so hard. You are the ONE person I can, and will always, trust 100%. You are the ONE person who I have always been the most honest with. And yet... you're the one that hurts me the most. I'll settle with being just your friend.... but I won't be happy with it.
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