the importance of feeling loved...

I know i'm loved by God, I know i'm loved by family, and i know my friends do- at least some of them. but it's been about 8 years since the last time someone said it, and i felt it. I never understood the power of that word. It can make a person feel affirmed in who they are. Make them want to be the best they can be. Give them the sense of belonging they can't get anywhere else. Try living without it once you've had it. It's hard.
I'm left questioning myself, doubting every thought, every move. I act irrationally, think emotionally. I want it again. I hate feeling unappreciated. especially unloved.
it's as if I do everything, all the appreciating and affirming. Maybe thats why people keep me around.
a plant can only produce so much fruit without being watered and nurtured. Soon, this dying plant won't be able to give anymore because it's all been taken.

that's all i have...

coffee pressed stress

i just loooove feeling excluded.
it's partly due to my own actions, I guess. but.... walking out of my room, down the hall into someone elses room and SHUTTING THE DOOR... alittle much for my taste. Closing both bathroom doors and inviting everyone in your room... again, not my taste. Oh, and I love being ignored. saying hi to everyone, asking about everyones weekend... OH! and LIED to! now THAT'S a good one!

Ugh, it's been really stressful lately. papers, presentations.... cousins. I guess I thought that word meant something. I'm not mad, at all- which is kinda weird. I'm just.... beyond hurt. I want to cry every time I think of the situation. I'm just SO unbelievably hurt, beyond words. I've been lied to before but not so blatant. I suppose it was meant to happen then... not being friends with my cousin.

Today is Nathaniel Drew's birthday :) my bestest friend in the whole widest of worlds without a shadow of a doubt. But, I'm not texting him until 11:59 tonight. hehehe... yeah right. I say that but I know that I won't follow through with it. *sigh*... he got me a french coffee press for my birthday :D... so unbelievably UNnecessary but I'm so unbelievably grateful. I can't wait to make my first cup of pressed coffee!! :) Now I feel alittle bad that all I got him was a gift card and a thermos :( I tried finding something else!! nothing was good enough :( I suck as a friend haha although... it's a really nice thermos if I do say so myself. His coffee was STEAMING hot after a few HOURS!!! but still, nothing tops a coffee press. He won't have to get me anything for my birthday or Christmas so long as we're both friends BECAUSE OF the coffee press. that's how much I love it. :) okay, now that I'm done gushing about my banging new press :D hehe

Last night on the way back to school with Meridyth we were listening to Michael Gungor's song Prodigal. WOW... I've always loved that song but once you REALLY listen to it.. WOW.... I wanted to cry SO bad because I realized so much in just 6 minutes and 6 seconds (the length of the song for those that may be confused). the first verse goes:
"I’ve tasted Your glory and I left it there.
Your poured out Your Spirit and I didn’t care.
Still you loved me

I’ve lived for myself with nobody to blame.
I took what You gave me and squandered Your grace.
Still You loved me."
... how true? I KNOW I'm not a perfect Christian, no one is. But "I left it there", "I didn't care" "I lived for myself" and "i took what you gave me and squandered your grace".... I'm guilty. I've been given SO much and yet I'm so unappreciative. the KING OF KINGS.... LORD OF LORD... the stinking SON OF GOD!!! loves me, died for me, and has given me GRACE for my mistakes.. GRACE!!! lets look up what grace is quick...the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. favor. we have FAVOR with God. it's freely given. He knows he's going to give it to us before we even ask for it!! It's like.... like it's a piece of candy just sitting on a table, in the open. If we stop... I don't know, kicking the dog and say we're sorry, we can have the piece of candy (kicking the dog is the sin, the piece of candy is grace, and the person we're saying we're sorry to is God for those we were confused). And regardless if we say we're sorry or stop kicking the dog, the piece of candy is STILL there. even if we flush the goldfish down the toilet. We can still have the piece of candy if we are truly sorry. AMAZING!!! I still don't quite understand it. How can kicking the dog and flushing the fish BOTH be forgivable?!?! I mean, obviously both seem permissible to us because they aren't TERRIBLE... but if kicking the dog was equivalent to not obeying the speed limit and flushing the fish was being a homosexual or cheating on your spouse... does it sound so permissible now? That's the part I don't understand. I know God forgives me for saying some of the things I say to or about people... but the things I've done in the past that I haven't forgiven MYSELF for yet... I can still have that piece of candy if I want. *sigh*... I just love Jesus so much....
okay, here's the whole song. I STRONGLY suggest you (whoever is reading) look up the song and listen to it. It's beautiful...

I’ve tasted Your glory and I left it there.
Your poured out Your Spirit and I didn’t care.
Still you loved me

I’ve lived for myself with nobody to blame.
I took what You gave me and squandered Your grace.
Still You loved me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.

I could live for the broken and share in their pain.
I could die like a martyr or live like a saint just to love You.
I could sing like the angels and gather Your praise:
Be blessed beyond measure and give it away just to love You.
Still nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.

My heart has been broken; I’ve laid out my shame.
Because of Your mercy,
All I can say is I love You.
So I’ll tell of Your story
I’ll carry Your name
I’ll live for Your glory Lord,
I’ll share in Your pain just to love You.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.

Nothing can separate us
Nothing can separate us
Not death or life
Or depth or height
Or unseen power
Now or ever!

liberal with a touch of reform and a smidgen of zippity pow!

I'm trying SO HARD to remain positive. but it's like I'm getting hit from all sides. And every side is pressuring me to just pop off on everyone. I can feel my heart hardening. I can sense my rude, sarcastic tone. The good news is... me and God are in communication, he's pouring into me, he's stretching me. When something happens, when a situation arises, he's the first person I go to. Then my mom. But he is my filter. And he's definitely growing me. But... people make it hard. Especially people that used to go to you for advice. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about change- growing- moving... all that. But not when they are changing for the worse. How do you tell someone this? "hey, you're changing into a horrible person that no one can stand to be around-mind doing something about that?" false.. you can't say that. Especially when people are encouraging them. The bad thing is, it's not GOOD encouragement. I want to say something, I want to step in.. but i can't. They're an "adult", away from home, "mature". UGH!

School, on the other hand, is amazing. I love all my classes this semester. I almost don't want it to end. But then again, NEXT semester wouldn't happen :). so much going to happen come January. Good and Bad. Mostly good... but some bad. I'm nervous about some people joining our campus. I don't know what the transitions will mean or what will happen... but all I can do is see what will happen. But I don't want to... I hate some of these changes. I want my friends. That's all. They're all changing... UGH! see, I try to change the subject but it all comes back to the same thing. CHANGE.

My birthday is in 3 days. I'm not too excited. It's just another year older, another higher number. Plus, this weekend I have to work, my grandparents are having their 50th wedding anniversary, light the night, and working again. I have no time to be with my family, which is the only fun thing about my birthday. I hate Sheetz.

That's my life, boring, horrid, and anxious. Maybe I should have another cup of coffee...

honey bunches of oats.

i just kinda want to slam my head in a door over and over.

maybe then everything will stop spinning and i can focus on something else.

Driving down the back roads only traveling 30 miles an hour. Enjoying the cool evening, hearing the creatures of the night. I couldn't help but reflect.
It'd been long, tiring, draining day. I was forced to prioritize, forced to reevaluate, and forced to be transparent. I realized something about myself in the midst of all of it. I'm not as strong as I thought. I'm also not as extroverted as I thought. I would prefer to live a life in exclusion. I would rather keep to myself, stay in, just do what I need to do to get by. Unfortunately, that's not what being a christian is about, that's not what being a disciple is about.
I'm trying. I'm pushing myself. I'm really trying to learn and grow in Christ to be who I'm meant to be.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. Maybe that's all I needed to say.
But I do know that I need my best friend with me. He can't be here right now, which hurts a little. But I know he would be if he could. It just sucks when the people closest to you can't be so close when you need them most.

I'm blessed beyond comprehension.
my friends
my family
... everything...
it's more than I deserve!! and the only think I can do, is better myself to BE deserving.

Thank you Lord. For reminding me of how gracious and loving you are.

like it. love it. need it.

So much is happening around me. So many people are confused, hurt, upset, alone, feeling rejected and yet I'm supposed to be finding contentment? I'm supposed to be working and finding myself?! Why do that? Why watch everyone else go through life continuously getting hurt and say "well, God has a reason" yet expect my problems to be fixed? Sometimes I feel so guilty in asking for the things I need when everyone deserves them so much quicker. And why do the people who don't deserve the answers, get them? And why do the ones who on faithful again and again and believe and trust.... are put through the trials?

I'm so tired. Emotionally and physically. I love talking to people, listening to their problems, trying to help them, all that. It just gets heavy sometimes. Especially when I have to deal with my own stuff. That's almost what it feels like. Like, there are people that talk to me about their burdens and struggles and I take them, talk them out, pray for them, all that stuff. But there isn't anyone that I can do that with. Now, I do talk to people. Don't get me wrong, I do have best friends that I share things with. But...I feel like I either can't share everything or I get jipped with answers like, "well, God knows what he's doing"...........really? that's the best I get? I give you two hours and I get "God knows what he's doing"? I KNOW HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING!!! *huff* It's hard for me though, talk to people about all my problems. I don't want people to know, I don't feel like they should, want to, or care to. And if they say they care- they're faking it. Ugh. I have so many trust issues. I guess I need to work all these out before I become a counselor don't I?

I leave in 2 days. It's hard to believe that the summer has already ended. So much has happened yet nothing has. I feel different, look the same, and can't wait to keep moving.

I'm done. done with this entry, done with trying to push things along, done thinking things that weren't true, done hoping for the impossible, done worrying about the possibility, and done trying to find myself.

ta.