nothing witty... just me.

Not complaining, just STATING that the process of WAITING.. is agonizing. I'm trying SO HARD!! I don't think about it near as much. I certainly don't voice it unless I'm joking around [[that being saying I need a boyfriend after seeing an old man walk by or someone that obviously doesn't shower]]. But regardless... I AM still trying. But for some reason, so MYSTERY, I can't get this twisting out of my stomach that waiting is in fact settling. That, me sitting around waiting for it to happen to me is IN FACT detrimental. Like... when your making cookies [[i'm not fat]] and they 5 minutes left on the timer as well as a cooling down time after they're out. But you want one SOO bad. Once their out, cooled, and have the perfect golden brown outside with the gooey, chewy, yummy inside... you go to reach for one... and someone slaps your hand. Hard, aggressive, and it stings! They look at you, right in the eye, and say "no! didn't you know their better the longer you let them sit?!". So you comply. The cookies sit there... the steam goes away, they aren't quite as fluffy looking, and the center isn't quite as gooey looking. So, before they go completely bad you reach for one. You're fingers are within an inch... *SLAP*... yet again you're told to wait just alittle longer. Seriously, after you've waited the RIGHT amount of time, it'll be the BEST cookie you've EVER had. So you sit there.... in front of the cookies watching everyone else pawing them, taking them, eating them, enjoying THEIR cookie. You're forced to sit there, salivating, watching everyone else take one, sometimes two. I'm sitting there, watching everyone else get cookies and I'm left with my nose smooshed against the glass window of the bakery wondering "how come they get to enjoy their cookies and all i have is a welt on my hand?"
relationships are the cookies, my hand is my heart. I'm welted, just wanting what everyone else around me has. But I'm constantly told to wait. wait. wait. wait. Once I have one, it'll be worth it. What if, once I have my "cookie", it's hard, crumbly, old, and cold. Why is my face the only one leaving a mark on the glass window? Why am I the only one having to wait? Am I listening to other people more than I'm listening to God? Has the answer been in front of me the whole time and I just didn't see it because I've been asking the wrong baker. No longer. I'm done listening to the sous chef... my ears are focused on the executive chef.
I got inspired by this while watching Gilmore Girls [[suprised? i think not]] Luke and Lorelai, in the 5th season, finally started dating. They were really good friends, saw each other everyday, knew each other better than they knew themselves, and were finally happy together. In one episode Luke says to Lorelai, "it only took us 8 years to get here". It's a running joke between me and my best friend Mer that I'm Lorelai. Well... where's my Luke? Where's the one person that will know me better than I know myself. And is it going to take 8 years? *humph*
I suppose.... i can wait alittle while longer. My hand can take it...

Who can take the sunrise, sprinkle it with dew? The candyman can!

sometimes things don't go the way we plan. but the only thing we can do is adjust. If the solution is that simple, why is it so difficult to execute? That's my prayer lately - adjustment.

Roll out those hazy, lazy, crazy days of summer

sometimes life is just sad.
just.
plain.
sad.

You're a Real Tough Cookie With a Long History

Recently, I don't know what's gotten into me.
I make my bed, put away my clothes, moisturize. I've been biting my tongue [or my fingers- if you will] more often, I'm actually trying. And most of all.. I can feel it. From the inside moving it's way out. Like a ... detox. Rather nice actually. Maybe it's all the water I've been drinking or perhaps my bedroom renovation. Clearing out the clutter and moving towards being a minimalist. Whatever the reason, I like it. I feel calm, peaceful...
One thing I've really been working on is rebuilding the bridges I've burnt. They may not be a complete pile of rubble but they are charred and thankfully.. [hopefully] ..salvageable. There are people I stopped talking to the day we graduated, others whom I tried keeping in touch with, and others yet who didn't go with the plan God intended for them. It's not my place to judge what a person decides to do with their life but still I did. True, it's sad they didn't follow God's will but who knows! Maybe God has something in store for them that's much greater than I expect for myself.
Trying to build up old relationships may not be a huge step or a major change... but it's something. I'd much rather leave this Earth knowing I've done my best to be the best possible version of myself that I can be rather than be disappointed knowing I didn't try.
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I have this friend. He means the world to me. He is, seriously, the best thing to ever obnoxiously pop into my life. Though he's younger than me [:D].. he's my big brother. I know that at the end of the day it doesn't matter if he hasn't texted me or I haven't heard from him. It doesn't matter that I'm not constantly making my presence known to him where ever we may be... I know he's got my back. He'll protect me from any gross, crude, moroccan [;)] that do nothing but hurt me. And he knows I'll do just the same for him. It's a beautiful friendship we've built... :) There have been rifts, there have been complications. And they did momentarily complicate things... but... a friend is a friend for life. No Matter What. He's got my back, I've got his. Bottom line. That's it. End of Story. And with THAT being it, I couldn't be happier with our friendship being any other way :)
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We're not the exception, we're the rule.
I'm always the rule. I've dated the "Ben's". I've been with the "Neil's". I even know my fair share of "Conor's".. but where's my "Alex"? I've been the heart-broken, I've been the pawn, and I've been the heart-breaker, but for goodness sakes.... when am I going to be someone's Gigi?! It's depressing watching your best friend of 13 years show off her engagement ring when she's 3 years younger than you and has only been dating her now fiance for about a year. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely THRILLED for her!! It's amazing to see her in love and it's exciting to be a part of the process. But when is it my turn? I don't want to be the girl from 27 Dresses. But I don't want to be The Boelyn Girl either. "He's out there" I KNOW! ugh. I'm sick of being told that... Apparently, I'm supposed to wait... sooo... WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING A MOVE - - MAKE IT!!!! *rant over*
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peaceful. calm. serene.

These are a few of my favorite things

I'm laying here in bed watching Gilmore Girls, in the dark, with my fan blowing on me. It's how I fall asleep at night and it's how I relax. Odd, isn't it? One- I usually end up getting a cold in the morning because I'm so hot throughout the day and then the ice cold air... equals the sniffles in the morning. Also, Gilmore Girls is such a high paced, fast-talking show some people find it stressful or liberating.. well, I've seen all the seasons so many times I could quote them all nearly word-for-word.
Right in the middle of one of Lorelai and Rory's big fights I hear one of these.. roars?.. rumbles? I honestly thought my dad was snoring and I could hear him. So I paused my show, turned on my lamp, turned off my fan and heard it... thunder :).
I love thunderstorms. I don't know what it is about them but I love hearing it, seeing it... and smelling it. But for some reason this particular storm made me think.
Sometimes I take things for granted. Lots of things. And I don't live to the fullest. I don't stop and smell the flowers. And I surely don't appreciate the flowers. Nor the maker of those flowers. Earlier today I was thinking about church. I don't worship enough. Now, I understand that people worship different ways but raising my hands, singing out loud (though it suuuucks), and even just clapping.. that's how I worship. And I miss it, I miss it so much. It's like when all you do is eat and have no drink to accompany it. Yet, you're not hungry... but something's missing and it totally throws everything off.

Thank you Lord for this storm...this wake up call. It was for me :)

I'm goin' off the rails of the crazy train

Now, more than ever... my family needs guidance and faith. Sometimes things get so rough we lose focus of who is truly holding us and all situations in His hands. He knows... He'll provide... He remains...

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It's odd.. finding such....... contentment?... amidst such rubble. It's like sitting on a huge pile or rocks, stones, and trash yet feeling comfortable. It's amazing and at the same time, hard not to feel guilty. I shouldn't feel like this. I shouldn't be happy when my family is suffering. I shouldn't be okay knowing someone else knows my future and that's all I can depend on. Or should I? Perhaps I'm the only one that sees it, perhaps I'm the one that knows the least. But with the faith of a mustard seed....

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I cannot thank God enough for what he's given me. I have the best parents in the world. Though times are rough and things are uncertain... they would give up anything for their children. I can securely say, without a shadow of a doubt, that we are first. We are above them on their priority list. It sickens me to think I take advantage of that and it saddens me to know they don't just think of themselves sometimes. But it's comforting to know such love. My sister - she's my best friend. Words can't describe the blessing she is. That's all I can say. And I seriously have the greatest little brother ever. He's only 14 and probably has a stronger relationship with God than I do. It's amazing to see God working through him and touching peoples lives, touching my life. My brother-in-law loves my sister unconditionally and takes care of her and that's all I can ask for. Sometimes I wish he and I had a better relationship, but the one we have is still growing. Alysa Jade is the best niece anyone could ask for. It's cliche to have an aunt say that but seriously, she's the most amazing little girl ever. She's only 7 months and can comfort anyone and heal any broken heart...

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"My friends are better than your friends"... mine are indeed. Meridyth freaking Lanza is probably the best friend I could have ever.... EVER asked for. Through thick and thicker, she's been there. She lived HOURS away... and was still closer than anyone else. Not only does she live closer, but we share a bathroom. She's an amazing person and pushes me constantly (without even knowing it) to be a better person. In the short 9 months we've lived together, I've learned so much about myself and other people that I'm not sure I want to live the NEXT 9 months with her. ;) (jk jk). She's taught me about true integrity and real honesty... I love her to death. (<

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And to the ones I haven't even met yet... I pray for constantly. I'm anxious to be at that point in my life where these people are involved, but I'm not rushing it. Taking my stride at a time and loving the process is something I'm constantly learning. Instead of loving the rush of air through my hair, I'm learning to love the slow squish of the earth beneath my feet. (which is ironic because I hate being barefoot outside). 

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*ahhhh :)

Roses are red. Violets are blue.

It's really easy to be bitter or become resentful. But it's so much more rewarding to be happy and excited. Yes... my best friend is engaged :) She's so young, but I'm so happy for her. I never thought she'd be getting married this young, but she's happy and he's the one, why wait? I'm so happy that her and I stayed close and that I'm apart of this. It's an exciting event in someone's life and I'm apart of my best friends big event :)

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Seeing guys in a relationship, is endearing. Seeing a guy want to be with a girl, want to be near her, hug her, hold her, kiss her. It's cute. You usually think of guys are strong, independent, and such. But when a guy falls in love, they totally change. It's adorable!

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Sometimes there are things in life that you wish would just happen already but you can't control them. It's times like this I typically fall apart because I don't have control of the situation and I can't see the future. When I'm traveling somewhere, I like to know at least 2 steps ahead so I can prepare myself. But when you can't see the next few steps ahead and you aren't allowed to use a GPS or Mapquest, you have to rely on your "heavenly" navigation system to direct you... which gets hard and frustrating :( But, thankfully my navigator is patient with me :)

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I need guidance. It's hard to not look back and wonder "...if things were different?" It's especially hard to not think about it and dream of how things COULD be. But, I have to stop longing for the past. UGH! lots of work ahead of me.