mmm

I'm going, I'm staying. I'm bored, I'm content. I'm frustrated, It's his. So many things are changing around me and in me that I just don't know if I can withstand it all. I thought for sure I was going to be leaving Valley Forge. I thought I had a peace about leaving and never looking back. I was so sick of feeling stuck, feeling stagnant. And I was done trying. I was done looking. But God stepped in and eased it all. He has called me here for a purpose. I need to be here, to learn, to grow, and to become what he wants me to be. Instead of wanting to put my feet in different waters to see where I wanted to go, I need to let him lead me to the path I'm to take. Becoming frustrated with how things are turning out is pointless when He has it all mapped out. It's amazing to know that He has my life planned out - good and bad. He gives me a choice, tells me what to pick, and loves me still if I choose the wrong one. And He waits. He waits for me to realize what I've done is wrong... *ahh*... 

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Be Thou My Vision

So much going on. Do I stay at school, do I leave? Do I register for classes or forget and think about community college? Do I make this meeting with Dr. Meyer or do I do what I thought I was supposed to do? I have to trust. I have to believe that God is behind all of this. And if he isn't, he'll let me know... I have to believe...

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On a not-so-brighter-note, I'm sick of trusting people that just prove that I shouldn't trust them. It wasn't even a big deal or an issue and you had to go and make ME get involved? The people on this campus are a HUGE reason why I don't want to stay here. They walk around like they know who they are and who others are. UGH! God needs to give them a huge slap in a the face.

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so done with this.

outty.

Jenn 2.0

Things are looking up and up. It's amazing how things work out, how God works. It's just... I can't comprehend. Amazing... ahh!! 

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Ever since that *glorious* sunday night things have just been different. I'm not stressing as hard, I'm not as tense. I'm just trusting :) and it feels great to know that I don't have to worry about my future or where I'll be. I mean, yes I of course I'll have involvement but I'm not stressing like I used to.

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 :)

God is so good, he's so good to me.

WOW... that's all I can say. God works in such beautiful ways. 

I didn't want to go to church and then he speaks to me that night. It was AMAZING!! (ask me about the story and I'll tell you) long story short, I'm totally resting within God's peace. The stress is off my shoulders and I'm no longer worrying about the future. I AM going where God is leading me and it's wonderful :)

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My God is amazing!!!!

I don't care if its all the same day...

i accidently left my straightener on all day.. oops

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I'm very much over the whole being single thing. I'm sick of seeing "happy" people walking around holding each others hands and talking like stinking babies to each other. But most of all, I'm sick of the coldness growing in my heart. I've been rejected a lot lately and it's really starting to show. One person can only take so much. I know, I've heard "then give it to God" and "there's someone out there"... I HAVE GIVEN IT TO GOD!!! I GIVE IT TO HIM EVERY DAY, EVERY TIME I SEE A COUPLE, I SURRENDER ONE MORE TIME!!!

It's hard for me to even think I deserve a relationship or anything though all at the same time. I don't have much to offer and I'm not the prettiest out there. And I'm certainly not the best person or even...

I'm not a good person at all. I'm awful to be around... no wonder...

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So I guess I learned a lot about myself just now. I'm not in a relationship because I don't deserve and no one can tolerate me. At least I have my answers. 

Revelation

I'm standing up for myself. I'm not going to allow myself to be stepped on or walked all over. I'm tired of doing things for people and then being treated like complete crap. I don't do things to get something in return, I do them because I enjoy doing it. but would it be so much to ask to just be respected a little? If you ask someone to take you somewhere but then they never do so you come running to me to pick up their broken end of the deal, then I become their backup. I don't want to be the backup. I have my own life, my own things to do. I can't just be "on-call" for when they decide "oh, I don't feel like taking them - my back-up will take this one" no. I refuse. And when I'm doing YOU a favor, shouldn't you have to conform to my schedule? If I'm leaving at 11:30, i shouldn't have to wait until 4:00 when YOU can leave. Especially if you say "we can leave at 2:30" but aren't ready until 4:00. I'm done getting used.

Call me a jerk, say I'm rude - I don't care. If I'm going to be treated like crap when I do things for people, then I'm not going to do things for people.

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That's all I have to say about that.

Moving on

If you know me, you know that I sometimes have control issues. But only to the extend that I want to know details. If I have to be somewhere, I need to know where, when, with who, how to get there, and the itinerary once I get there at least 4 days in advance. I like have my ducks lined up perfectly straight. Because, if they are in order then when something happens, I can hold everything intact. i... i... i... i... i... I'm giving up. I no longer care for details. Yes, I'll still need directions, but I'm not going to stress or worry anymore. I don't need to know the future, I don't need to know what's coming at me, I don't need to keep my ducks intact. I'm hereby passing control to God :) It's tiring and stressful and I can't do it. 

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"It'll happen when you least expect it to". It's so true. Once I give up my baggage with the right intentions, everything will play out better than you ever expect them to. I think too much about not expecting it, which in turn, I expect it. So here's to caring enough to stay open, but not enough to get involved!

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God has been doing so much in me lately (above). But also more than that. I know I'm close to God but not close like I used to be. I can taste my hunger for him and my throat is parched from our lack of communication. Last semester God led me to Ecclesiastes 3 "a time to be silent and a time to speak" and I completely misinterpreted what he was saying to me. I took "silence" too far and started silencing my relationship with him. Well, I'm back and I'm ready for my next season with Him :)

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Contentment is a beautiful thing.