yes, i do have questions.
yes, there is something on my mind.
yes, there is a lot of stuff going on in my life.
can i tell you? no.
why not? because your the answer.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Chock-full of emotions...
I laugh to myself every I'm on facebook and I'm going to change my status. In the little box that you enter in, it says "what's on your mind?". Little does facebook know...
I have so much floating around up there. More than people know, more than anyone knows really. I'm an honest person and tell my best friends and family everything... but there are a few things that are just mine and Gods... things that, I don't want to know what other people think. Things that, it's confusing enough hearing my own thoughts, so I'll spare myself yours. I think everyone has those things that they keep to themselves. And to be completely honest, I think everyone lies when they say they tell someone "everything". As a human being, it's our nature to want to either remain private or know that we know something no one else knows. And, this may come as a surprise to most people who know me... but I'm a fairly private person. Now, don't take that out of context... yes, I have my best friends that I tell almost everything and I'm a very open person with my family...but when it comes to other people -they don't need to know everything. Not only do they not need to know it, but I don't want them to. Like facebook, everyone puts all there information up there for the entire world to search out and read up on. The relationship status' and school information to be exact. Just by taking 5 minutes to read over someone's facebook, I've learned if their single, gay, religious, political, where they live, how to reach them via cell or email, where they go to school, where at school they live, and who their best friends are... if that's not intrusive then I don't know what is. Seriously, there should be peeping tom laws. But all this to say... IF my relationship status ever changes - you'll never know unless your someone I care about... and where I live, you'll get the change of address card.. if we're close enough. Why are people so eager to be open with people they don't even know?!
tonight, I realized a lot of things...i need to stop doubting people, especially ones I care about. I feel gross thinking back on how I doubt my friendships thinking that I'm the only one that is in it. When we're hanging out - it's because we BOTH wanted to, not because I asked and they had nothing better to do. I also need to stop doubting the peace of God. Not quite sure how THAT one snuck up on me - but it has. I just need to keep reaffirming myself day in and day out.
UGH! I just have so much i want to just scream out and just SAY.... but online is NOT the place to say it!!
.......screw online....
********
I was really hurt by what you did. I felt like I was set up for being heartbroken and I had no warning. and it's not fair that I was led on for 7 months, thinking everything was great and progressing when *SLAM*... there was nothing to progress to begin with. I'm not trying to sound like I think I'm some amazing person that is a prize to be won, but I AM saying I'm a person with feelings and an actual heart inside that empty tank and it was crushed because of your actions. Or should I say lack there of? And when you say "but lets still be friends", mean it. and if you don't mean it - don't say it. Plan and simple. I don't want some bullcrap answer about someone else living 3 hours away with a boyfriend. You don't have to like me, that's okay!! It's been awhile since I've dated (if THAT'S what you want to call it) so this was my first time really letting my heart get involved. I swear off dating and guys for a reason. I set my standards for a reason. I have these ideas about "love" and "relationships" for reason.....because if you dont, you get hurt. And thats what you did to me. You made me trust you....my guard was down, my heart was open, and you spit in it's face. You made me a person for 7 months that I never wanted to be. I've only ever cried over 2 guys and you made yourself number 3. WE FIT! IT WORKED! and you junked it.... all of it. So from here on out - I'm over it.
********
I wish you knew what you mean to me. I just wish that I could tell you everything I'm thinking and feeling and know you're not overwhelmed or freaked out. But most of all, I wish that it wouldn't mean I would lose you. I hate that my feelings are in constant limbo because of our friendship. Seeing you unhappy...tears me up. And seeing you settle- hurts even worse. Will you honestly think of every other possible person on this earth before me? Am I that repulsive? Can you really not stand me that much? I know we're close and I love our friendship, I adore it. but sometimes.... being your friend is so hard. You are the ONE person I can, and will always, trust 100%. You are the ONE person who I have always been the most honest with. And yet... you're the one that hurts me the most. I'll settle with being just your friend.... but I won't be happy with it.
********
I have so much floating around up there. More than people know, more than anyone knows really. I'm an honest person and tell my best friends and family everything... but there are a few things that are just mine and Gods... things that, I don't want to know what other people think. Things that, it's confusing enough hearing my own thoughts, so I'll spare myself yours. I think everyone has those things that they keep to themselves. And to be completely honest, I think everyone lies when they say they tell someone "everything". As a human being, it's our nature to want to either remain private or know that we know something no one else knows. And, this may come as a surprise to most people who know me... but I'm a fairly private person. Now, don't take that out of context... yes, I have my best friends that I tell almost everything and I'm a very open person with my family...but when it comes to other people -they don't need to know everything. Not only do they not need to know it, but I don't want them to. Like facebook, everyone puts all there information up there for the entire world to search out and read up on. The relationship status' and school information to be exact. Just by taking 5 minutes to read over someone's facebook, I've learned if their single, gay, religious, political, where they live, how to reach them via cell or email, where they go to school, where at school they live, and who their best friends are... if that's not intrusive then I don't know what is. Seriously, there should be peeping tom laws. But all this to say... IF my relationship status ever changes - you'll never know unless your someone I care about... and where I live, you'll get the change of address card.. if we're close enough. Why are people so eager to be open with people they don't even know?!
tonight, I realized a lot of things...i need to stop doubting people, especially ones I care about. I feel gross thinking back on how I doubt my friendships thinking that I'm the only one that is in it. When we're hanging out - it's because we BOTH wanted to, not because I asked and they had nothing better to do. I also need to stop doubting the peace of God. Not quite sure how THAT one snuck up on me - but it has. I just need to keep reaffirming myself day in and day out.
UGH! I just have so much i want to just scream out and just SAY.... but online is NOT the place to say it!!
.......screw online....
********
I was really hurt by what you did. I felt like I was set up for being heartbroken and I had no warning. and it's not fair that I was led on for 7 months, thinking everything was great and progressing when *SLAM*... there was nothing to progress to begin with. I'm not trying to sound like I think I'm some amazing person that is a prize to be won, but I AM saying I'm a person with feelings and an actual heart inside that empty tank and it was crushed because of your actions. Or should I say lack there of? And when you say "but lets still be friends", mean it. and if you don't mean it - don't say it. Plan and simple. I don't want some bullcrap answer about someone else living 3 hours away with a boyfriend. You don't have to like me, that's okay!! It's been awhile since I've dated (if THAT'S what you want to call it) so this was my first time really letting my heart get involved. I swear off dating and guys for a reason. I set my standards for a reason. I have these ideas about "love" and "relationships" for reason.....because if you dont, you get hurt. And thats what you did to me. You made me trust you....my guard was down, my heart was open, and you spit in it's face. You made me a person for 7 months that I never wanted to be. I've only ever cried over 2 guys and you made yourself number 3. WE FIT! IT WORKED! and you junked it.... all of it. So from here on out - I'm over it.
********
I wish you knew what you mean to me. I just wish that I could tell you everything I'm thinking and feeling and know you're not overwhelmed or freaked out. But most of all, I wish that it wouldn't mean I would lose you. I hate that my feelings are in constant limbo because of our friendship. Seeing you unhappy...tears me up. And seeing you settle- hurts even worse. Will you honestly think of every other possible person on this earth before me? Am I that repulsive? Can you really not stand me that much? I know we're close and I love our friendship, I adore it. but sometimes.... being your friend is so hard. You are the ONE person I can, and will always, trust 100%. You are the ONE person who I have always been the most honest with. And yet... you're the one that hurts me the most. I'll settle with being just your friend.... but I won't be happy with it.
********
Thursday, June 25, 2009
nothing witty... just me.
Not complaining, just STATING that the process of WAITING.. is agonizing. I'm trying SO HARD!! I don't think about it near as much. I certainly don't voice it unless I'm joking around [[that being saying I need a boyfriend after seeing an old man walk by or someone that obviously doesn't shower]]. But regardless... I AM still trying. But for some reason, so MYSTERY, I can't get this twisting out of my stomach that waiting is in fact settling. That, me sitting around waiting for it to happen to me is IN FACT detrimental. Like... when your making cookies [[i'm not fat]] and they 5 minutes left on the timer as well as a cooling down time after they're out. But you want one SOO bad. Once their out, cooled, and have the perfect golden brown outside with the gooey, chewy, yummy inside... you go to reach for one... and someone slaps your hand. Hard, aggressive, and it stings! They look at you, right in the eye, and say "no! didn't you know their better the longer you let them sit?!". So you comply. The cookies sit there... the steam goes away, they aren't quite as fluffy looking, and the center isn't quite as gooey looking. So, before they go completely bad you reach for one. You're fingers are within an inch... *SLAP*... yet again you're told to wait just alittle longer. Seriously, after you've waited the RIGHT amount of time, it'll be the BEST cookie you've EVER had. So you sit there.... in front of the cookies watching everyone else pawing them, taking them, eating them, enjoying THEIR cookie. You're forced to sit there, salivating, watching everyone else take one, sometimes two. I'm sitting there, watching everyone else get cookies and I'm left with my nose smooshed against the glass window of the bakery wondering "how come they get to enjoy their cookies and all i have is a welt on my hand?"
relationships are the cookies, my hand is my heart. I'm welted, just wanting what everyone else around me has. But I'm constantly told to wait. wait. wait. wait. Once I have one, it'll be worth it. What if, once I have my "cookie", it's hard, crumbly, old, and cold. Why is my face the only one leaving a mark on the glass window? Why am I the only one having to wait? Am I listening to other people more than I'm listening to God? Has the answer been in front of me the whole time and I just didn't see it because I've been asking the wrong baker. No longer. I'm done listening to the sous chef... my ears are focused on the executive chef.
I got inspired by this while watching Gilmore Girls [[suprised? i think not]] Luke and Lorelai, in the 5th season, finally started dating. They were really good friends, saw each other everyday, knew each other better than they knew themselves, and were finally happy together. In one episode Luke says to Lorelai, "it only took us 8 years to get here". It's a running joke between me and my best friend Mer that I'm Lorelai. Well... where's my Luke? Where's the one person that will know me better than I know myself. And is it going to take 8 years? *humph*
I suppose.... i can wait alittle while longer. My hand can take it...
relationships are the cookies, my hand is my heart. I'm welted, just wanting what everyone else around me has. But I'm constantly told to wait. wait. wait. wait. Once I have one, it'll be worth it. What if, once I have my "cookie", it's hard, crumbly, old, and cold. Why is my face the only one leaving a mark on the glass window? Why am I the only one having to wait? Am I listening to other people more than I'm listening to God? Has the answer been in front of me the whole time and I just didn't see it because I've been asking the wrong baker. No longer. I'm done listening to the sous chef... my ears are focused on the executive chef.
I got inspired by this while watching Gilmore Girls [[suprised? i think not]] Luke and Lorelai, in the 5th season, finally started dating. They were really good friends, saw each other everyday, knew each other better than they knew themselves, and were finally happy together. In one episode Luke says to Lorelai, "it only took us 8 years to get here". It's a running joke between me and my best friend Mer that I'm Lorelai. Well... where's my Luke? Where's the one person that will know me better than I know myself. And is it going to take 8 years? *humph*
I suppose.... i can wait alittle while longer. My hand can take it...
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Who can take the sunrise, sprinkle it with dew? The candyman can!
sometimes things don't go the way we plan. but the only thing we can do is adjust. If the solution is that simple, why is it so difficult to execute? That's my prayer lately - adjustment.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
You're a Real Tough Cookie With a Long History
Recently, I don't know what's gotten into me.
I make my bed, put away my clothes, moisturize. I've been biting my tongue [or my fingers- if you will] more often, I'm actually trying. And most of all.. I can feel it. From the inside moving it's way out. Like a ... detox. Rather nice actually. Maybe it's all the water I've been drinking or perhaps my bedroom renovation. Clearing out the clutter and moving towards being a minimalist. Whatever the reason, I like it. I feel calm, peaceful...
One thing I've really been working on is rebuilding the bridges I've burnt. They may not be a complete pile of rubble but they are charred and thankfully.. [hopefully] ..salvageable. There are people I stopped talking to the day we graduated, others whom I tried keeping in touch with, and others yet who didn't go with the plan God intended for them. It's not my place to judge what a person decides to do with their life but still I did. True, it's sad they didn't follow God's will but who knows! Maybe God has something in store for them that's much greater than I expect for myself.
Trying to build up old relationships may not be a huge step or a major change... but it's something. I'd much rather leave this Earth knowing I've done my best to be the best possible version of myself that I can be rather than be disappointed knowing I didn't try.
********
I have this friend. He means the world to me. He is, seriously, the best thing to ever obnoxiously pop into my life. Though he's younger than me [:D].. he's my big brother. I know that at the end of the day it doesn't matter if he hasn't texted me or I haven't heard from him. It doesn't matter that I'm not constantly making my presence known to him where ever we may be... I know he's got my back. He'll protect me from any gross, crude, moroccan [;)] that do nothing but hurt me. And he knows I'll do just the same for him. It's a beautiful friendship we've built... :) There have been rifts, there have been complications. And they did momentarily complicate things... but... a friend is a friend for life. No Matter What. He's got my back, I've got his. Bottom line. That's it. End of Story. And with THAT being it, I couldn't be happier with our friendship being any other way :)
********
We're not the exception, we're the rule.
I'm always the rule. I've dated the "Ben's". I've been with the "Neil's". I even know my fair share of "Conor's".. but where's my "Alex"? I've been the heart-broken, I've been the pawn, and I've been the heart-breaker, but for goodness sakes.... when am I going to be someone's Gigi?! It's depressing watching your best friend of 13 years show off her engagement ring when she's 3 years younger than you and has only been dating her now fiance for about a year. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely THRILLED for her!! It's amazing to see her in love and it's exciting to be a part of the process. But when is it my turn? I don't want to be the girl from 27 Dresses. But I don't want to be The Boelyn Girl either. "He's out there" I KNOW! ugh. I'm sick of being told that... Apparently, I'm supposed to wait... sooo... WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING A MOVE - - MAKE IT!!!! *rant over*
********
peaceful. calm. serene.
I make my bed, put away my clothes, moisturize. I've been biting my tongue [or my fingers- if you will] more often, I'm actually trying. And most of all.. I can feel it. From the inside moving it's way out. Like a ... detox. Rather nice actually. Maybe it's all the water I've been drinking or perhaps my bedroom renovation. Clearing out the clutter and moving towards being a minimalist. Whatever the reason, I like it. I feel calm, peaceful...
One thing I've really been working on is rebuilding the bridges I've burnt. They may not be a complete pile of rubble but they are charred and thankfully.. [hopefully] ..salvageable. There are people I stopped talking to the day we graduated, others whom I tried keeping in touch with, and others yet who didn't go with the plan God intended for them. It's not my place to judge what a person decides to do with their life but still I did. True, it's sad they didn't follow God's will but who knows! Maybe God has something in store for them that's much greater than I expect for myself.
Trying to build up old relationships may not be a huge step or a major change... but it's something. I'd much rather leave this Earth knowing I've done my best to be the best possible version of myself that I can be rather than be disappointed knowing I didn't try.
********
I have this friend. He means the world to me. He is, seriously, the best thing to ever obnoxiously pop into my life. Though he's younger than me [:D].. he's my big brother. I know that at the end of the day it doesn't matter if he hasn't texted me or I haven't heard from him. It doesn't matter that I'm not constantly making my presence known to him where ever we may be... I know he's got my back. He'll protect me from any gross, crude, moroccan [;)] that do nothing but hurt me. And he knows I'll do just the same for him. It's a beautiful friendship we've built... :) There have been rifts, there have been complications. And they did momentarily complicate things... but... a friend is a friend for life. No Matter What. He's got my back, I've got his. Bottom line. That's it. End of Story. And with THAT being it, I couldn't be happier with our friendship being any other way :)
********
We're not the exception, we're the rule.
I'm always the rule. I've dated the "Ben's". I've been with the "Neil's". I even know my fair share of "Conor's".. but where's my "Alex"? I've been the heart-broken, I've been the pawn, and I've been the heart-breaker, but for goodness sakes.... when am I going to be someone's Gigi?! It's depressing watching your best friend of 13 years show off her engagement ring when she's 3 years younger than you and has only been dating her now fiance for about a year. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely THRILLED for her!! It's amazing to see her in love and it's exciting to be a part of the process. But when is it my turn? I don't want to be the girl from 27 Dresses. But I don't want to be The Boelyn Girl either. "He's out there" I KNOW! ugh. I'm sick of being told that... Apparently, I'm supposed to wait... sooo... WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING A MOVE - - MAKE IT!!!! *rant over*
********
peaceful. calm. serene.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
These are a few of my favorite things
I'm laying here in bed watching Gilmore Girls, in the dark, with my fan blowing on me. It's how I fall asleep at night and it's how I relax. Odd, isn't it? One- I usually end up getting a cold in the morning because I'm so hot throughout the day and then the ice cold air... equals the sniffles in the morning. Also, Gilmore Girls is such a high paced, fast-talking show some people find it stressful or liberating.. well, I've seen all the seasons so many times I could quote them all nearly word-for-word.
Right in the middle of one of Lorelai and Rory's big fights I hear one of these.. roars?.. rumbles? I honestly thought my dad was snoring and I could hear him. So I paused my show, turned on my lamp, turned off my fan and heard it... thunder :).
I love thunderstorms. I don't know what it is about them but I love hearing it, seeing it... and smelling it. But for some reason this particular storm made me think.
Sometimes I take things for granted. Lots of things. And I don't live to the fullest. I don't stop and smell the flowers. And I surely don't appreciate the flowers. Nor the maker of those flowers. Earlier today I was thinking about church. I don't worship enough. Now, I understand that people worship different ways but raising my hands, singing out loud (though it suuuucks), and even just clapping.. that's how I worship. And I miss it, I miss it so much. It's like when all you do is eat and have no drink to accompany it. Yet, you're not hungry... but something's missing and it totally throws everything off.
Thank you Lord for this storm...this wake up call. It was for me :)
Right in the middle of one of Lorelai and Rory's big fights I hear one of these.. roars?.. rumbles? I honestly thought my dad was snoring and I could hear him. So I paused my show, turned on my lamp, turned off my fan and heard it... thunder :).
I love thunderstorms. I don't know what it is about them but I love hearing it, seeing it... and smelling it. But for some reason this particular storm made me think.
Sometimes I take things for granted. Lots of things. And I don't live to the fullest. I don't stop and smell the flowers. And I surely don't appreciate the flowers. Nor the maker of those flowers. Earlier today I was thinking about church. I don't worship enough. Now, I understand that people worship different ways but raising my hands, singing out loud (though it suuuucks), and even just clapping.. that's how I worship. And I miss it, I miss it so much. It's like when all you do is eat and have no drink to accompany it. Yet, you're not hungry... but something's missing and it totally throws everything off.
Thank you Lord for this storm...this wake up call. It was for me :)
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